Fancy five-star hotels should pamper guests with honest prices, not pretty lobbies

Five star hotels.

For the handful of us who can afford it, it’s pretty posh. Classy rooms, bell boys who don’t have a smoke in their mouth while they grab your bags, fine dining. It’s the life, right?

I recently stopped by one of Prague’s five-star joints, Hotel President, right on the Vltava River, and noticed they had a sign, in English, for taxi fares from the hotel. I was shocked. 850 Crowns ($35 U.S.) to the airport, 500 Crowns ($20) to the Castle across the river, $150 ($7) to the Jewish Quarter. I could hit a teed-up 3-wood to the Jewish Quarter from there (with a couple good bounces on street pavement).

Simply put: there’s about a 35-50% surcharge just for getting a cab from the hotel, likely a result of a contract between the hotel and cab company that gets exclusive access to the hotel’s affluent wallets.

Why do they do it? Because most guests at a five-star hotel are either not concerned with money or too dim-witted to find a better deal.

Simply calling AAA Taxi in Prague would save a ridiculous amount of scrilla.

This isn’t just Prague, either. I’ve noticed in almost every destination I’ve been, the nicer the hotel, the more they’re trying to screw me. From drink prices at the bar (Oprey Land in Nashville’s outrageous $9 house tequila), to 15 euro hourly internet access (King George in Athens, Greece). Across the street the very same internet we all know and love was one euro an hour.

For $15 an hour, there better be a naked Swedish model (ideally female) rubbing my back while I surf. There wasn’t. And don’t even get me started on Las Vegas four and five-star joints that wouldn’t give you an honest deal even if you built the joint.

So apparently my $200-300 room bill is paying for pressed bell boy uniforms and fancy lobby brass. It’s certainly not going to a concierge who uses his local knowledge to the advantage of the price-savvy guest.

Adding to the insult, TravelGolf.com’s resident Republican (whom we all know have all the financial reservations of a teenager with her first credit card) Chris Baldwin is actually praising Scottsdale for being one of the world’s great rip-off destinations.

On the contrary, I was at the Flying Pig hostel in Amsterdam that has been rated a Top 10 hostel in the world. Rooms were dirt cheap and clean, drinks at the bar were below market value (and there was a happy hour), there were free computers and WiFi for guests and there was just an all-out feel that the place was on YOUR side.

At Krakow Valley in Poland, my mini bar beer cost the same reasonable price (7 zl)as anywhere else at the resort. How many hotels do that?

Five Stars shouldn’t be about fancy rooms and a receptionist who’s clean cut, it should be about treating a guest with all the honesty you’d give your frugal uncle when he’s in town.

You want Five Stars in Europe? Hang with me for a weekend on my couch. Sure, I won’t leave a mint on your pillow and I’m damn sure not giving you a wake-up call (unless you wake up at noon). But I know the skinny on how to get a cheap cab, strip clubs with no cover charge and cheap beer, how to climb the tower at St. Vitus cathedral without paying, where to meet friendly locals or expats and pubs that sell hash and weed behind the bar.

I also know how to keep the gypsies at bay and where to find a drink or street hooker at any hour. These are things you just pick up - intentional or not - after hanging somewhere long enough.

What do I charge for this priceless concierge service? Maybe pick up the tab on some goulash at a local dive and make sure the sketchy guests you bring over don’t steal my laptop. Don’t eat my leftover Chinese in the fridge or my morning banana, either.

Ask Hotel President or any other 5-star screw job if they know these ropes. My Castle Baron boss knows the down and dirty too (assuredly tenfold) but he won’t admit it now that he’s got little ones…