The Cheap Bastard can eat. And I’m not talking about polishing off four or five plates at a buffet. I’m talking close the place down, have a SWAT team show up lobbing tear gas to get me out. I’m what buffet owners commonly refer to as an “Existential Patron.”

El Bastardo is on his way to Las Vegas, where I’ll be mainlining Lipitor in order to keep up my normal buffet pace. In Vegas, they have a sin for everyone, and for us “devourers of the damned” they have cheap buffets and great food all over town. One thing, however, you may be able to find great prices at most Las Vegas’ buffets, but you can always get a meal for less.

First of all, whenever you go into a casino, sign up for whatever card the casino offers. Sure, it will lead to more junk mail, but when exactly did throwing away mail become such a burden? And the deals they’ll send you will be more than worth it. Normally you’ll see a 2-for-1 buffet coupon show up in your mailbox.

When you’re in a casino hunting down the buffet, the important thing is to ask. Find someone with the casino and ask them if they know of any coupons available. More often than not, you’ll find yourself saving money right there. Also, when someone offers a free coupon book, take it. If someone hands you a flier with a naked woman on it, well, what you do with that is your decision.

Another tip is that if you’re the type that will wile away the hours at one of the casino’s tables, don’t be afraid to ask the pit boss or floor manager if you qualify for a comp buffet, or for a buffet line pass, which will enable you to bypass whatever line is at the buffet, giving you priority seating.

Trust the Bastard on this, when you go to Vegas, they will gladly take your money without asking, so make sure you ask them about ways they’ll give some of that money back.

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