The Cheap Bastard is a carbon-based life form. But a highly flammable one. You see, where most people get pigment, yours truly got a mixture of rocket fuel and propane. Now, surprisingly, this makes my skin incredibly soft and supple. But sadly, my body could detonate the moment the temperatures hit 80. Which is why, sadly, I am unable to take advantage of some of the great rates going on in Arizona right now. You see, right at this very moment, it’s roughly 115 degrees Celsius, cubed in Arizona. Those that manage golf courses realize this is a problem, at least ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard has nerves of steel. Well, maybe not. More like the kind of steel they used in the Twin Towers. You know, the kind of steel that melts(??!!??!!?). Oh, let this Bastard tell you something, this whole 9/11 thing is one huge conspiracy. El Cheapo knows the truth, people. Were you aware that lefty pinkos Tim McDonald, Bill Wolfrum, Brandon Tucker and Kiel Christianson were all told to vacate their offices in the WTC the morning of the attacks?? It’s 100% truthy-ish. Traitorous conspirators, I tell you!! Ok, maybe it’s time for El Cheapo and his shot nerves to ... full post »

The Cheap Bastard was rocked to the core when he found out that plans to have a “Bastard Family” Reality show were shelved. We were certain this would be the next great reality show hit, as the cameras would follow yours truly and his family through our daily lives. We were certain we’d draw fans, especially since we’d be featuring Bob “Horny Bastard” Allen and David “Hypocritical Bastard” Vitter in several episodes. But such things happen, it’s sad to say, so El Cheapo here is getting over this loss by trying to be a contestant on X-TremeGolf TV. Now in its second ... full post »