The Cheap Bastard is a carbon-based life form. But a highly flammable one. You see, where most people get pigment, yours truly got a mixture of rocket fuel and propane. Now, surprisingly, this makes my skin incredibly soft and supple. But sadly, my body could detonate the moment the temperatures hit 80.

Which is why, sadly, I am unable to take advantage of some of the great rates going on in Arizona right now. You see, right at this very moment, it’s roughly 115 degrees Celsius, cubed in Arizona. Those that manage golf courses realize this is a problem, at least the ones that aren’t too hot to think. So, green fees get cut, and demented and dedicated duffers can d … , d …., well, something that stars with a “d” that means “take advantage of.”

So right now, the weather is hot in Arizona and so are the deals. Take Kokopelli Golf Club for instance. During the peak season, you could be paying up to $80 for a round. Now golfers can play a round, get two drinks and use a cart for $20 on weekdays after 10 a.m. and $23 on weekends after 11 a.m., according to the Arizona Republic.

There are plenty of other deals going on in Arizona that the Cheap Bastard can’t take advantage of, and you can find out about them by calling (800) 426-6148 or by heading over to Arizona Golf Packages.

Just remember, if you’re playing golf in Arizona, stay hydrated. And if you happen to see the Cheap Bastard, run for it. I could go up like an old Pinto at any moment.

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