Appearances aside, the Cheap Bastard is the romantic type. El Bastardo treats his woman like a queen, lavishing her with gifts, tender words, and the occasional romantic golf package for two to a Florida resort.

So it really makes you wonder why Los Cheapos never actually has a girlfriend. Thus far my open invitations to Golf Girl, Golf Chick, Jennifer Mario, Michelle Wie, Heather McMichael, Sophie Sandolo, Paula Creamer and Dot Wong have all been met with utter silence at best, and rabid contempt at worst. Heck, I even sent a Valentine’s Day card to Brandon Tucker one year and still haven’t heard back (Not that this Hetero Bastard goes that way, but c’mon, B-Tuck’s adorable).

Thus, the Cheap Bastard is unlucky in love. But I do accept that others are much more lucky, and are looking for some way to show their loved one how they really feel. Well, in my book, a discounted golf package is the way to go. Here are a couple of golf packages to the Sunshine State that should make your adored apoplectic with amore:

GolfFlorida.com offers several different golf packages, including the Drive For Show Daytona Beach Golf Special that will have you staying at the Hilton Daytona Beach Oceanfront Resort and playing the LPGA International Legends course among other courses and starts at just over $300.

GolfFlorida.com also offers the The Winner’s Circle package, which includes a stay at the Ramada Inn & Conference Center while playing Golden Hills Golf And Turf Club, Candler Hills Golf Club and El Diablo Golf And Country Club. It starts at $303.

VisitFlorida.com has a bevy of offers, as well, including a great getaway at The Plantation Golf Resort & Spa. The Resort offers a unique opportunity to observe native Florida manatees in their natural habitat. Yes, manatees, an evolutionary cousin of the Cheap Bastard.

The Winter Manatee Snorkel Package includes one night’s accommodations, breakfast, guided boat tour, wetsuit, mask, fins, snorkel, tax and gratuities. The package rate during midweek is $142 per person per night based upon double occupancy and $209 per person single occupancy; weekend rate is $147 per person per night based upon double occupancy and $220 per person single occupancy. Contact The Plantation for more info.

So go out and have a romantic Valentine’s Day with the one you love. And don’t worry about this Bastard, he’ll be spending V-Day the way he always does - drinking moonshine and sobbing uncontrollably in the Florida swamps with Tim McDonald.