Budget Golf by Cheap Bastard

Cheap Bastard heads to Zimbabwe on greatest golf adventure ever

The Cheap Bastard is in a pickle. A really big pickle (obviously). After years of giving of myself, management now wants more. “Where are the great deals you promised,” they asked. “Why don’t you post more,” they scream. “If we have to chase you out of the ladies bathroom again, we’re pressing charges,” they bellow.

But your pal Cheap is unafraid of challenges (for the record, the only things I’m afraid of are bats and little people). So that’s why El Cheaperino is off on a whirlwind golf trip to - Zimbabwe. Yes, President/Dictator Robert Mugabe has sent the Prince of Pennies an invitation to try out some of his nation’s golf courses and see what a great vacation spot Zimbabwe truly is.

I’ll be traveling soon, bringing my loyal and fabulous readers some amazing things from this African nation, showcasing the amazing deals that can arise from political turmoil. Ah, political turmoil, where would we be without it?

So keep your eyes on this blog and look for some amazing deals to come. The Cheap Bastard is taking it up a notch, so be ready.

(Editor’s Note: Let us be clear that we have warned the blogger known as the Cheap Bastard about this trip. We are fully against it and are not involved in any way.)

Pig out on a succulent Hawaii golf package

The Cheap Bastard loves Hawaii. What’s not to love? Beautiful, exotic women, glorious golf opportunities, fabulous beaches - it’s a true paradise. And let El Cheapo let you in on a secret: If you get a shovel and dig anywhere on any one of the Hawaiian Islands, you know what comes up? Succulent, molten pig.

So yours truly was excited to see Larry Olmsted at USA Today (the guy who has some weird Bro-mance with WorldGolf.com’s Brandon Tucker), write about a deal to Kauai through the Kauai Visitors Bureau:

The Kauai Visitors Bureau has gotten the island’s best six golf clubs together, with 117 holes between them, and created six golf-centric “activity packages,” each combining golf with other things. Each package costs a flat rate of $175, which means up to $150 in savings on some courses. The packages include:

Poipu Bay: One round of golf, a $50 gift certificate to the onsite Hyatt ANARA Spa, and one sleeve of Titleist ProV1 golf balls.

Kauai Lagoons Golf Club: One round of golf and choice of two Sunday Champagne Brunches or two prime rib and crab buffet dinners at the onsite Kauai Marriott Resort.

Princeville Golf Club #1: One round of golf on the 27-hole Makai course, plus admission to the The Princeville Hotel’s Poolside Luau.

Princeville Golf Club #2: One round of golf at Prince, one $75 gift certificate for Princeville Resort Spa.

Puakea Golf Course: One round of, plus admission for two to the Sheraton Poipu Sunset Luau.

Kiahuna Golf Club: One round of golf, one 55-minute massage.

To find out more, head over to the Kauai Visitors Bureau. Or if you’re looking for another succulent Hawaiian golf package, check out the packages WorldGolf.com has to offer.

El Cheapo is ready for some Hawaiian luau action, let me tell you. I’m already packed even. Got my Speedo, got my shovel and got my sunscreen. Though truth be told, despite my Latin heritage, yours truly has incredibly sensitive light skin. So I don’t even bother with sunscreen anymore. I just have someone give me a good blast from a fire extinguisher.

See y’all in Kauai.

Cheap Bastard advice: 1. Buy Bob Hope golf stuff at auction, 2, Use that stuff to pummel Wolfrum

The Cheap Bastard despises William K. Wolfrum with the intensity of a thousand flame-broiled cheeseburgers. Wolfrum – a whiney, Marxist/Communist/Socialist/Terrorist/Stupidist that doesn’t even have the courage to live in the United States – recently crossed the line forever with your pal El Cheapo when he dedicated a moronic blog post (like all of his efforts) to rambling about Dot Wong and how she should retire from golf blogging. This is liberal fascism/Nazism at its best – you have a problem with competition, you try to eliminate them.

And let me tell you, no one is going to talk bad about Dot Wong. Not on my watch. Dot is all beauty, grace and smiles, and she’s one of the few female golfers on the staff here that hasn’t humiliated herself by writing a fawning book about Michelle Wie.

Simply put, Wolfrum’s a scumbag that should waterboarded until his eyes pop out. And if I ever see him (strangely, we’ve never been in the same room together), I will pummel him with my never-used one-iron until he looks like Tim McDonald.

But while Wolfrum is as Anti-American as a human can be, Your pal Cheap here wanted to point out a chance to own some golf memorabilia from one of the greatest Americans ever – Bob Hope.

Yes, according to the Associated Press, the family of Hope will offer up nearly 1,000 pieces of Hope memorabilia in October. From the story:

Nearly 800 items of Hope history, from foolishness to fine art, will be sold to fans and dealers alike at a mid-October charity auction in Los Angeles commissioned by the family of the famed comedian, who died in 2003 at age 100. The auction will be televised live and online by the Auction Network, allowing viewers worldwide to participate in real time.

“Dad was a pack rat,” daughter Linda Hope told The Associated Press. “He loved to collect things. Even when he wasn’t conscious of collecting, people would give him things. They would be brought home, listed, photographed and placed in storage. There are 11,000 items in his memorabilia collection.”

Now keeper of the family flame, Linda Hope, 68, made the first public announcement of the Bob Hope Estate Auction on a recent sunny morning at the comedian’s longtime compound in North Hollywood — 7 acres of mansion, office building, swimming pool, greenery and short-hole golf course. A selection of the items to be auctioned were spread atop two large tables.

“A lot of the things will go to the Library of Congress,” Linda explained in a lounge where her father gave many an interview over lunch, including to this reporter. “Most of the paper goods will be going there, scripts and photographs and other things that Dad donated before he died. The Library isn’t interested in three-dimensional items.”

“We decided that after giving important gifts to museums, there was still a lot of wonderful stuff that people could enjoy,” Linda Hope said.

Hope, who was actually born in England – like great Americans George Washington and Thomas Jefferson – has plenty of golf stuff that collectors should be excited about, including:

- A pair of red-and-white golf shoes marked “Made for Bob Hope.”
- A golf bag jammed with clubs given to Hope by various pros.
- A huge golf cap the size of a large pizza.
- A cap signed by President Ford and some golf pros.

To find out more about the auction, click here.

So be prepared, golf collectors, this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to own Bob Hope golf stuff. I’m thinking of bidding on the golf shoes so that I can use them to kick Wolfrum’s butt. Should he ever have the guts to come back to the U.S.

Golf Vancouver, B.C., because Canada is the nicest part of the U.S.

The Cheap Bastard doesn’t spend much time up north. Especially not after that seal clubbing incident. But sometimes even yours truly needs to get out of his comfort zone - and let me tell you it a true Zone of Comfort - and see what’s happening with our Canadian pals to the north.

Ok, I assume we’re pals. Your Royal Cheapness has never actually met a Canadian, and those rumors of me stalking Michael J. Fox are slanderous half-truths. But hey, it’s Canada. What’s not good about Canada except their militant, useless socialized health care? Canada really is a great part of the U.S.

So hey, if you’re looking for a thing to fling your spring, why not head up to Vancouver, B.C. The Cheap Bastard loves Vancouver, especially after finding out that the “B.C.” stands for “British Columbia” and not “Before Christ.” Because I literally assumed Vancouver was an area set in the stone age.

But it’s not, and now you can enjoy golf and frolic in Vancouver, and you can do it for less with Golf Vancouver Island’s Spring Fling.

Couples can enjoy two nights at their choice of accommodation, a round of golf with power cart and guaranteed tee time at Olympic View Golf Club as well as the on-call service of the Golf Vancouver Island staff. Rates for the trip start at $375 per person. But that’s in Canadian money. So really, for all I know, that could be like fifty bucks American. Or two euros.

“Couples will also have choice of a round of golf at Bear Mountain Resort, 60-minute Swedish massage at The Spa at Delta Victoria, romantic dinner for two at Il Terrazzo Ristorante or a 30-minute horse-drawn carriage ride through Victoria. When all is said and done, couples can relax in the comfort of their luxurious room with a complimentary bottle of local wine and Rogers’ Chocolates,” said the Cheap Bastard, admitting he totally cut-and-pasted this section.

Anywho, for more information on this and other golf in Vancouver, B.C. deals, give Golf Vancouver Island a call at (888) 465-3239. And if you’re worried it will be cold, give the Cheap Bastard a holler. I still have a few baby-seal lined fur coats available for sale.

Save the USA: Book a golf vacation to Mexico and toss out an illegal immigrant on the way

Folks, your pal the Cheap Bastard has come up with a fool-proof plan on how to get you playing golf at some of the world’s most beautiful golf courses for less, and save the country from the scourge of illegal immigration, as well.

Here’s what you do, set yourself up with a great golf travel trip to Mexico, and when you’re on the way down, grab an illegal alien and then toss them out when you get to the other side. If it turns out they aren’t illegal or aren’t from Mexico, so what. Let them sort it out, says El Bastardo. The U.S. has had to spend YOUR tax dollars sorting them out for years now. Let them throw some pesos at the problem.

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Some Florida Valentine's Day golf package ideas from a Cheap Bastard

Appearances aside, the Cheap Bastard is the romantic type. El Bastardo treats his woman like a queen, lavishing her with gifts, tender words, and the occasional romantic golf package for two to a Florida resort.

So it really makes you wonder why Los Cheapos never actually has a girlfriend. Thus far my open invitations to Golf Girl, Golf Chick, Jennifer Mario, Michelle Wie, Heather McMichael, Sophie Sandolo, Paula Creamer and Dot Wong have all been met with utter silence at best, and rabid contempt at worst. Heck, I even sent a Valentine’s Day card to Brandon Tucker one year and still haven’t heard back (Not that this Hetero Bastard goes that way, but c’mon, B-Tuck’s adorable).

Thus, the Cheap Bastard is unlucky in love. But I do accept that others are much more lucky, and are looking for some way to show their loved one how they really feel. Well, in my book, a discounted golf package is the way to go. Here are a couple of golf packages to the Sunshine State that should make your adored apoplectic with amore:

GolfFlorida.com offers several different golf packages, including the Drive For Show Daytona Beach Golf Special that will have you staying at the Hilton Daytona Beach Oceanfront Resort and playing the LPGA International Legends course among other courses and starts at just over $300.

GolfFlorida.com also offers the The Winner’s Circle package, which includes a stay at the Ramada Inn & Conference Center while playing Golden Hills Golf And Turf Club, Candler Hills Golf Club and El Diablo Golf And Country Club. It starts at $303.

VisitFlorida.com has a bevy of offers, as well, including a great getaway at The Plantation Golf Resort & Spa. The Resort offers a unique opportunity to observe native Florida manatees in their natural habitat. Yes, manatees, an evolutionary cousin of the Cheap Bastard.

The Winter Manatee Snorkel Package includes one night’s accommodations, breakfast, guided boat tour, wetsuit, mask, fins, snorkel, tax and gratuities. The package rate during midweek is $142 per person per night based upon double occupancy and $209 per person single occupancy; weekend rate is $147 per person per night based upon double occupancy and $220 per person single occupancy. Contact The Plantation for more info.

So go out and have a romantic Valentine’s Day with the one you love. And don’t worry about this Bastard, he’ll be spending V-Day the way he always does - drinking moonshine and sobbing uncontrollably in the Florida swamps with Tim McDonald.

Get your golf travel deals from TravelGolf.com and send William Shatner back to making movies in Esperanto

Back when El Cheapo here was a Teenage Bastard, he remembers the endless rumors of how you could go to government auctions and buy a Jeep for $1. It sounded fantastic, of course, but then you noticed that you never met anyone who had gotten a Jeep like that, and the landscape wasn’t littered with government-surplus Jeeps.

Nowadays, your Royal Cheapness gets the same vibe from Priceline. They litter the airwaves with commercials about their amazing deals where you can travel from Pacoima to Paris for $2.50 or so. Yet I’ve never met a soul who has bragged about scoring a deal from Priceline. I know plenty of folks who’ve found great deals at TravelGolf.com’s Hot Deals, but not a one from one of these huge Web sites touting fantasy prices.

Personally, I think Priceline is just a government front to give William Shatner a job where he doesn’t have to speak Esperanto. If you want the perfect golf package, TravelGolf.com has them in droves and can make one specifically for you.

But hey, maybe someone out there has gotten great deals from Priceline or a company like it where the word auction is tossed around like a carrot on a stick. If you have, let me know. And if someone who works for Priceline writes in pretending to be a satisfied customer, El Cheapo will expose your sockpuppetry to the world. But if Shatner wants to send us a comment, that’d be cool.

Joe Beck's free golf video tips kick ass, plain and simple

The Cheap Bastard likes things that are inexpensive and that should go without saying. And his Royal Cheapness would never steer you wrong or give bad advice. Don’t for an instant confuse me with my brother Rat.

Because here’s the thing, El Bastardo may like things cheap, but he prefers them free. You know that saying “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth"? Ok, I don’t really know what it means either, but free is better than cheap. Just ask my sister Free.

So here’s a freebie for you: PGA Professional Joe Beck’s video golf tips.

Oh, I know what you’re saying “Wow, free golf videos from the place that pays you. How original.” But here’s the thing: These videos kick ass. I am not joking one bit. They are sponsored by Callaway Golf Pre-Owned, and they are as well made as you can imagine and really teach you something.

Here, go watch this video of Beck showing you how to navigate getting your ball out of a bunker when it’s plugged. I’ll wait … still waiting … I’m here, take your time, watch the whole thing …

Ok, seriously, how good is that? Beck is a natural in front of the camera, and his videos are truly primo stuff. And they’re free … like my sister (couldn’t resist).

So take it from your buddy Cheap, free is the best way to go, and Joe Beck’s video golf tips are as good as getting a free golf lesson.

Free golf balls for a year and "World's Funniest Golf Balls" makes terrible writing here more bearable

The Cheap Bastard is constantly amazed at just how low the bar has dropped for golf writers. As if guys like Chris Baldwin, Tim McDonald and Brandon Tucker aren’t bad enough, there’s Bill Wolfrum, one of those wimpy liberal types who gets offended at his own shadow.

Luckily, Wolfrum - who’s as funny as Al Gore on sedatives - is smart enough to talk to funny people. That helps. Take a look at his BadGolfer.com feature on comedian Mike McDonald and his “World’s Funniest Golf Balls.” Despite Wolfrum’s best attempts, McDonald comes off as funny, and his new product seems like a fun idea. I may get myself some “Axis of Evil” golf balls if McDonald gives me a deal, of course.

Still, if its golf balls you’re after, why not get them for free? Today’s Golfer has a fun competition going on where a little sleuthing can get you a year’s supply of TaylorMade golf balls. The final date for entry is Jan. 31, so head over to Today’s Golfer to find out what you need to do to enter and win.

So enjoy the story on the World’s Funniest Golf Balls and good luck winning a year’s supply of TaylorMades. It’s the least you deserve for putting up with writers like Baldwin and Wolfrum. And I’m not even going to get started on Ron Mon.

Free Skies means Australia is 2008 golf destination of the year for U.S. travelers

The Cheap Bastard loves Australia. From the moment you arrive, hot, scantily clad women like Elle McPherson and Anna Rawson busy themselves giving you massages, while Russell Crowe and Paul Hogan fistfight to determine who will hand-feed you another shrimp. It’s glorious.

Ok, the Cheap Bastard has never been to Australia. But he has high hopes, and so should you. Because, right now, not only is Australia packed with sexy people, it also is looking for some golfers, because the locals aren’t keeping up with the pace of play.

It seems that local courses in and around Sydney have gone as far as to offer nine-hole round deals, so busy Australians can go about their day of looking beautiful, eating well and then going to bed with their equally beautiful spouse. There’s just no time for golf for the majority of them, I’m afraid.

“Membership numbers have been sliding for some time,” Greg Mills of the NSW Golf Association told the Brisbane Times. “You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realise that something imaginative has to be done to stop it.”

One thing that could stop the downward trend in golf is tourism, and a new “Free Skies” proposal between the U.S. and Australia is very promising and they will discuss it again in early February, with both countries believing they will profit from such a deal. Golfers will especially approve of it, as the added flights (up to 14 a day) could well help knock down the often high prices of U.S. to Australia travel.

In the mean time, check with our friends at AustraliaGolf.com or WorldGolf.com to see what kind of deals they can get you on an all-exclusive golf trip Down Under.

Because, folks, Australia is out there. Waiting with its gumdrop mountains, naked voluptuous women, either exceedingly drunk or over-ambitious men who generally ignore said naked women, and great golf. It’s a dream destination to just about all of us. This may finally be the year to book that trip.

Golf Girl the sexiest golf blogger on the planet - buy anything she tells you to

The Cheap Bastard is in love. Yes, yours truly has finally found a woman deserving of his own unique brand of love. Horrible, sweaty, nearly illegal love. That’s because El Bastardo has finally found the woman of his dreams - Patricia Hannigan, author of Golf Girl’s Diary, and a Goddess with a capital “GODDESS.”

Think this Bastard would lie to you? Check out the picture below:

I mean, are you freakin’ kidding me??? Why hasn’t anyone told me about her? Or sent me pictures?

Anyway, here’s the dealio. It seems that the amazing Patricia is married. That’s the bad news. The good news - she’s married to some French dude. That means it can’t be serious. So one of the things she does at her blog is to pimp products. What I want from you is to go buy said products, then let her know you bought them because of me, the Cheap Bastard. Eventually, she’ll fall madly in love with me and we’ll have an affair that will be so hot it would break every rule in every religious book you can find.

So here’s some of the stuff she’s promoted:

A Fabulous Holiday Contest from Accor Hotels.
The Perfect Day Club Survival Kit.
The Bright Golf Company.

So head over to Golf Girl’s Diary, watch her videos, look at her pictures, read her posts, buy stuff she promotes, and tell her that she needs a Cheap, chubby, redhead dude with freckles in her life.

If you need anymore inspiration, just click this link here. Or you can read more about her in this feature on her at BadGolfer.com.

Celebrate Hugo Chavez's big loss at a winning Burbank golf course

Hey Folks, happy Monday, or, as your pal Cheap Bastard likes to call it, “The Day Hugo Chavez Got Spanked in Venezuela” Day. Yes, our least favorite commie-pinko-scum-dictator got told by his people that they didn’t want a dictator. Or if they want a dictator, they don’t want him. Something like that. El Cheapo is sure that El Hugo will soon be blaming this on the U.S. because he’s a jerk like that.

So in honor of Chavez seeing his dreams of being Fidel Castro Jr. get dashed, lets take a look at a place that took some damage of its own, but still promises great deals to golfers.

It’s De Bell Municipal Golf Course in Burbank, Calif. Yes, Burbank, where you’ll be close enough to Hollywood stars to yell “Carson Daly is a douche!” and he’d hear you.

Anyway, it seems like the intelligent folks in Burbank used some creative financing to make nearly $10 million in improvements at the course, and recently demolished the old clubhouse as things get started.

It seems De Bell will get the improvements and it won’t cost taxpayers a cent, and they’ll still get a quality municipal run that they can play for low green fees. Read more about the story by clicking here.

So remember, if you want to stay on this Cheap Bastard’s good side, don’t be like Hugo Chavez and knock down golf courses to make soup kitchens. Knock down clubhouses to make even better clubhouses. And do it cheaply.

The Myrtle Beach Insider will find you great golf deals and savory Buffalo wings

The Cheap Bastard is good pals with Randy Inder, who writes the Myrtle Beach Insider blog over at MyrtleBeachGolf.com. We make an unbeatable team. With his good looks, charm and intelligence, and my ability to eat copious amounts of Buffalo wings, we are constantly in the company of beautiful women, and Buffalo wing salespeople.

One of the things I like about the Insider is that he’s never afraid to pick up a check (El Bastardo is terrified of it) and that he always knows where to find a deal, like yours truly.

Take right now, for instance. If you head over to MyrtleBeachGolf.com, you can find out all about Wachesaw East Golf Club. Randy’s blogged about it just recently, in fact.

Here’s what the Cheapster likes about Wachesaw East - the green fees. For just $62.50, you can be playing a stylin’ Myrtle Beach course designed by the legendary Clyde Johnston. That’s a rate I can get behind gladly.

Here’s what one of Randy’s readers said about the course: “My experience at Wachesaw Plantation East was extremely delightful. The location of greens and overall topography of the course make it an exceptional experience. Once you have played the course you will want to establish a tradition of playing there whenever in the area.”

So if you want to find out more of the ins and outs of Myrtle Beach Golf, check out The Insider’s blog. And if you want some great deals on a Grand Strand golf package, check out the Stay and Play Packages MyrtleBeachGolf.com has to offer.

Take it from the Bastard, the only thing better than great golf in Myrtle Beach is golfing with a guy who can help you score Buffalo wings.

They fought the law and the law won - now score great deals on golf gear!

The Cheap Bastard is a law-abiding citizen. But really only in the scientific sense. Meaning you’d never catch El Cheapo violating, say, the law of gravity. Or the Zeroth law of thermodynamics, which states “If two thermodynamic systems are each in thermal equilibrium with a third, then they are in thermal equilibrium with each other.”

But that probably goes without saying.

As for the laws of the land, well, yours truly can be pretty pick and choose-y most the times, as are many of you out there, it appears. That’s why I thought I’d bring an interesting article to your attention. It’s from Portfolio Weekly and titled “Deals so Good They Should be Illegal, and Once Were". The article gives you the lowdown on police auctions in Virginia Beach. Click here to read all about it.

That’s about it. Just wanted to tell all you budget golfers out there that you can find great deals on top-of-the-line golf equipment at police auctions. And there are police auctions everywhere, as I recently found out at PoliceAuctions.com.

There are folks out there breaking the law left and right and the police are taking their stuff and reselling it, so get off your duff and find a police auction near you. Remember, an object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

So take it from me, the Cheap “Unbalanced Force” Bastard, it’s a straight-up law of nature that police auctions are a blast for those looking for golf deals and more.

Arizona Golf: Save big money on green fees now that the heat is on

The Cheap Bastard is a carbon-based life form. But a highly flammable one. You see, where most people get pigment, yours truly got a mixture of rocket fuel and propane. Now, surprisingly, this makes my skin incredibly soft and supple. But sadly, my body could detonate the moment the temperatures hit 80.

Which is why, sadly, I am unable to take advantage of some of the great rates going on in Arizona right now. You see, right at this very moment, it’s roughly 115 degrees Celsius, cubed in Arizona. Those that manage golf courses realize this is a problem, at least the ones that aren’t too hot to think. So, green fees get cut, and demented and dedicated duffers can d … , d …., well, something that stars with a “d” that means “take advantage of.”

So right now, the weather is hot in Arizona and so are the deals. Take Kokopelli Golf Club for instance. During the peak season, you could be paying up to $80 for a round. Now golfers can play a round, get two drinks and use a cart for $20 on weekdays after 10 a.m. and $23 on weekends after 11 a.m., according to the Arizona Republic.

There are plenty of other deals going on in Arizona that the Cheap Bastard can’t take advantage of, and you can find out about them by calling (800) 426-6148 or by heading over to Arizona Golf Packages.

Just remember, if you’re playing golf in Arizona, stay hydrated. And if you happen to see the Cheap Bastard, run for it. I could go up like an old Pinto at any moment.