Masters champ Zach Johnson more boring than a Saturday night in Iowa, but his layup strategy sings

Apr 09

Masters champ Zach Johnson more boring than a Saturday night in Iowa, but his layup strategy sings

Whenever the mainstream media touts somebody as a “normal guy”, you know he’s actually more boring than Charlie Gibson at a corn-growing festival. What do you expect from the new champion of the most mundane Masters ever, Zach Johnson, though?

He’s from Iowa. Again, he’s from Iowa. That’s not one strike. That’s one, two, three and four strikes right there against the ability to be interesting. But that’s not all. No, Johnson has it even worse.

His dad is a chiropractor. Yes, one of those quacks who no doubt wheels a plastic skeleton around a mall and offers free “consultations.” A chiropractor’s son from Iowa?

It’s a wonder Zach Johnson can sleep through a single night let alone swing a golf club. You’d be better off being raised by Michael Jackson in Cuba.

Still Zach Johnson overcame it all - that hardscrabble upbringing in the mean cornfields of Cedar Rapids (he didn’t even get the single traffic light of Des Moines!), a dad with a job that makes less sense than squeegee man - and conquered with one of the best Masters gameplans of all time.

Johnson didn’t go for a single par 5 in two. He laid up every single, freaking time. Now, this will get you scorn from Neanderthals out there like our own Tim McDonald, who feign a macho attitude while spending their free time smooching puppies.

It will also get you a $1.3 million first-place check and a green jacket from Phil Mickelson. Zach Johnson, the true proud Mr. Layup, recorded 11 birdies on Augusta’s par 5s for the week. So much for the joys of going for it.

Johnson’s a true golf hero with brains.

Now, maybe he can get his dad into a respected profession and move far, far from Iowa. Hey, all his other dreams are coming true.

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26 comments

§ Ron Mon® said on : 2007-04-09 @ 01:41
Why leave Iowa...to end up in Las Vegas? Iowa seems to be working so far. Good thing he won, though, or we´d be lumping him with Chip Beck in the ¨Why didn´t you go for it?¨ category. Better than the Curtis Strange ¨Why did you go for it?¨ category.
§ Dave Marrandette said on : 2007-04-09 @ 09:11
A par-5 being played to get on in 3 and then 1 or 2 putts. What a concept!

It's not boring; it's golf.
§ Not Everyone Wants to be on the East Coast said on : 2007-04-09 @ 10:11
Obviously you are an East Coast prick who has never been outside New York City. Keep making fun of Midwestern people to boost your ego since no one outside of your family reunion has any idea who in the world you are.
§ Greg said on : 2007-04-09 @ 10:14
I read a lot about boring events. I don't get it. The lead jumped around quite a bit. Some good shots and bad shots were made to keep everyone guessing. Why exactly was this Masters boring?
§ Mike said on : 2007-04-09 @ 10:58
Actully, Baldwin hails from a boring little northern suburb of Detroit. No wonder he's cranky.
§ Chris said on : 2007-04-09 @ 11:00
Hey, why the hating on chiropractors? I'm a "real" doctor with an M.D., but I've seen some of my patients get good results from manipulation. Yes, it's not exactly scientific, and in my view should be considered a branch of physical therapy or massage therapy. But with a few exceptions, it's an honest way to make a living, and seems to make some people feel a lot better.
§ Visitor said on : 2007-04-09 @ 11:11
Baldwin, when you are done writing this kind of fluff, why not go out and find a real job? Please don't tell us you actually get paid for coming up with this kind of boring stuff. Anyone with 1/2 a brain can concoct this mess up after after a good night around the town, without even turning on a TV or reading a newspaper. Boring, Baldwin, is reading the D.B.A. It is unfortunate that there are still uneducated people around, such as yourself, who feel that one step out of New York, and you'll fall off the face of the Earth. Try actually expanding your horizons, as most other people have!
§ Judge Smails said on : 2007-04-09 @ 14:17
I agree with the posters: The Masters was as exciting as can be.

What more did you want? It was nip and tuck all the way, and you had to expect that at any moment Woods would make a charge and the prey would fold. But, in the end, Johnson cooly closed out the victory and became a great upset winner.

Quite frankly, I think that a big part of the problem is that many of you folks are cult of personality types. You don't like golf as much as you like to see certain players in contention, such as Woods, Mickelson, etc, and if they're not there at the end you want to take your dimpled ball and go home.

If you didn't find this Masters dramatic, you don't find golf dramatic.
§ Madia said on : 2007-04-09 @ 14:34
shock! consternation!
Look at all those winged piglets ice skating in Hades!
Smails and I are, are, are, I can hardly type it..... in agreement.....
It can never happen again......

Seriously, the Masters was great drama, and great sport, with more lead changes than the NCAA tournament. Purty to look at too.
And, thank God, CBS didn't play that hideous elevator music during the finals that they were playing on Saturday. What was up with that, were they trying to make golf stuffy and dull?
§ R.L. said on : 2007-04-09 @ 16:47
Johnson seemed to know his own game and had confidence in it. Hey- Hogan managed his game and had quite a record as you all know. Not that Zach is gonna become Hogan. But he has a nice solid game it seems and by winning at August has his ticket punched...............R.L.
§ Alex said on : 2007-04-09 @ 19:10
Far too many folks just don't understand the difficulty of the game of golf when played at the PGA level.

Even some of the member bloggers don't get it.

A few weeks ago after Woods had that rough Sunday, Shanks wrote that "Tiger was in a slump." He won the tournament the next week.

And today, after watching Woods finish T3rd, Tim says that he proved he is not a good charger. He has apparently forgotten the many events that Tiger has won coming from behind. Also he says that Woods wasn't comfortable with his swing, he couldn't hit a drive, etc.

Now Barry and Stacy chime in with "Tiger didn't bring his A game, and he didn't relaxed."

Folks, Tiger doesn't win EVERY time out. He doesn't even win half the time, or even a fourth of the time although he comes close to the latter. If ANY PGA player always had his A game on, and he was also the best front runner as well as the best charger, and he was confident with his swing, relaxed and driving them all 300 plus and straight down the middle, that golfer would win every tournameny he entered.

Also, many people don't get what happens on a really tough layout. They expect Tiger to come sweeping from behind with a rash of birdie, but it didn't happen yesterday, and it is unlikely to ever happen again at Augusta. Peter Kostis, A Woods sycophant if there ever was one, was practically predicting that Woods would win it going away.

Tiger is great, but even he can't do the impossible. Look at it this way, Woods played a super tough Masters' course, grinding every inch of the way, and in the end he scored as good as or better than everyone in the field but Zach. What elsr do you want of the guy?
§ Gideon Traweek said on : 2007-04-10 @ 18:16
Soon forgotten that Tiger Woods rode on the Chiropractic Centennial Float in the Pasadena tournament of Roses Parade, regularly gets adjusted, not manipulated, and has constant praise for Chiropractic and how its helped achieve a higher level. "It becomes obvious to nearly any sports enthusiast why the world's greatest athletes choose to include chiropractic care as part of their lifestyle, or in conjunction with their sports athletic training. Chiropractic Works."
§ Judge Smails said on : 2007-04-10 @ 20:09
Quite frankly, I think chiropractic is bunk. And I should mention that, as a young man, I suffered with a certain problem and frequented a chiropractor consistently for a year. Suffice it to say, I found my relief via other means.

Oh, although most won't believe me, the reason why some people's symptoms are ameliorated by chiropractic is that virtually all back pain is psychogenic. And I speak from experience. The placebo effect is powerful.
§ Barry said on : 2007-04-11 @ 09:21
One of the really great things about living in Iowa (ranked consistently as one of the best educated states in the country)is that we understand and live by a simple axiom - It s nice to be important but a lot more improtant to be nice.

Being underestimated is a great advantage in life.
§ Shanks® said on : 2007-04-11 @ 09:41
Smails' first post above is right on the money. If anyone didn't find the final round of this Masters exciting, they don't love golf. And Alex, Woods WAS in a slump. Although for him a slump is defined differently than the human golfers. Three events of increasingly worse performances is about as bad as it gets for the Mozart of golf.
§ Natalie said on : 2007-04-11 @ 10:06
Wow, another classic article by braindead Baldwin. Do you find it fun to make fun of the midwest? I am from Iowa and I will never move away from the midwest. Zach obviously learned how to golf in Iowa, as Kurt Warner did in football, Dan Gable in wrestling, and so on. I hate how everyone says that midwesterners are hicks and dumb as rocks and love corn. Actually, Iowa has one of the best education systems in the country. What's wrong with corn? I'm sure you fill your big gut with it every year. And next time you throw your back out attempting to golf, I will laugh when you go running to the chiropractor. Both Zach Johnson and his dad will be more successful and talented than you will ever be.
§ Garth Jones said on : 2007-04-11 @ 11:17
The comments on Zack's dad and his profession are way out of line. The writer of that
should look at what he does and consider what he
does and and how worthless that is compared to trying to help anyone that hurts. I think it is better for to thank god then it is to take all the credit. There has to be natural ability to play at that level and it is obvious the writer doesn't have it or he would be playing and not critisizing the winner!
§ Tim said on : 2007-04-11 @ 11:18
When Tiger Woods played conservatively last year in The Open at Royal Liverpool by hitting tee shots with irons, only pulling out his driver only once, he was praised for playing smart. If Tiger Woods had not gone for any of the par 5s in two and won this year's Masters, he would have been praised for playing smart. Golf is a special game which rewards those who play to their game and to the specific conditions at that particular moment. It seems that Zach Johnson adapted better than anyone else to the conditions at this year's Masters.
§ Judge Smails said on : 2007-04-11 @ 16:24
You should also note that, as I've already pointed out, Johnson ranks only 162nd on tour in driving distance. Thus, it's no stretch to say that hitting par fives in two probably isn't his bailiwick.
§ Beth said on : 2007-04-12 @ 17:37
I don't know why you criticize the winner of one of the most important golf tournaments. He obviously can golf well if he is able to beat Tiger by 2 strokes. I suppose you have to find a fault in every golfer, just because you are jealous that you can't win the Masters. Being from Iowa is completely irrelevant to his golf skill. Why do you say being from Iowa is a bad thing, because I would certainly rather be raised in Iowa than in some huge city with tons of crime and drugs. Zach had a good upbringing in Iowa, and it shows in both his character and his talent. You have probably never even been to Iowa, so nothing gives you the right to make fun of innocent people that you have never met.
§ Don Fields said on : 2007-04-13 @ 18:37
I hope you never have to see a chiropractor but if you do I hope they make you eat those words. And, you should go to Iowa sometime and see how wrong you are about that as well.
§ Richard Gingras said on : 2007-04-16 @ 19:10
Tiger Woods, Fuzzy Zoeller, Gary McCord, Jack Nicklas, Joe Montana, Emmitt Smith and Peyton Manning appreciate their Chiropractor. They are just a handful of athletes that receive regular Chiropractic care. Most sports teams, along with the U.S. Olympic Teams have sports specialized chiropractors for their athletes. Iowa is a great place to grow up, learning manners and respect of others, things like that. The four years I lived there during college, Saturday nights weren't boring. Visit Iowa, you might like it. I think Zach Johnson is blessed to be from Iowa and have a family who loves him.
§ Judge Smails said on : 2007-04-18 @ 00:13
I like Iowa.

I like Zach Johnson.

I view manners and respect as being of the utmost importance.

Chiropractic is bunk, and it doesn't matter how many famous people have been deluded into subscribing to it. Heck, Nancy Reagan consulted astrologers, and that didn't carry any weight with me either.
§ Marty Forrest said on : 2007-04-26 @ 18:29
Chiropractic is not "bunk". Even a small amount of inquiry about the research supporting it could show you that. Maybe you've run into a few who were less than ethical but every profession has those.

http://chiro.org/abstracts/
§ RICARDO DE LARIOS said on : 2007-05-22 @ 18:37
Could somebody give me Zach Johnson´s
e-mail? Thanks a lot.
§ Deborah French said on : 2007-09-16 @ 15:55
I think your article stinks. He is from Iowa; he could be from Las Vegas or another big city filled with crime and sleeze. Some people actually enjoy the peacefulness and values of Iowa.
Zach's dad is a chiropracter - you're a newswriter who no one has ever heard of.
Zach's appears to be a nice guy and I hope he wins in the future.

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