The quickest way to out yourself as a dorky tourist in Hawaii is to go around saying, “Aloha” to everyone. This works better than one of those fanny packs.

And you don’t necessarily want a bunch of people happily screaming “Aloha” to you either.

That just means they look at you as a rube with an easy-open wallet. No one who actually grew up in Hawaii uses aloha in their regular, non-tourist speak. The word’s basically a marketing invention of the tourism industry. It’s for people who used to watch bad TV shows in the 70s.

You can learn about this - and many other things - pretty easily by actually talking to a Native Hawaiian like Larry Mano when you’re here playing golf or hitting the beaches.

“You know what aloha means to me?” Mano said. “It means hello, here’s my money, goodbye. It’s a commercial. You’re just speaking commercial.”

You’d be better off walking around these beautiful islands barking out, “Have a Coke and a smile” or “Where’s the beef?” At least then, people might think you’re a little crazy and be hesitant to try and rip you off.

It’s amazing how few people who go on a vacation to Hawaii actually talk to people who live in Hawaii. Besides asking them for more ice cubes in their drinks or for directions to Costco. Go ahead and engage some locals in conversation. You might actually learn something about real life in the place you’re traveling.

As for those catchy Hawaiian sayings you’re dying to try out? Just don’t. Hi works fine.

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