ESPN made a big deal out of covering the Masters Par 3 tourney for the first time this year. It sounded good in theory. I was even OK with the blatantly deceiving promos they put out showing Tiger Woods pumping his fist in a long-ago par 3, even though ESPN producers knew full well he stopped playing in these years ago and wasn’t going to this year, next or anytime soon.

Then, the Masters Par 3 started and … well, suddenly those afternoon soap operas that no one in their right mind watches didn’t look so bad.

OK, it was sort of cool in a slightly comical way to see Jack Nicklaus fist tap with Gary Player after a shot, like they’d been given lame instructions on how to be hip from Nicklaus’ oldest grandson or something. It was like watching TravelGolf.com’s Tim McDonald try to reach out to the younger demographic.

And OK, Arnold Palmer’s shot on No. 1 was just cool. Zach Johnson also seemed even more human than he already does when his one-year-old kid started grabbing for the interview microphone.

But mostly, it was just painfully slow. The telecast bears a lot of blame for this. Can somebody tell Mike Tirico it’s a freaking Par 3 Contest and not world peace talks? Also, please, please just throw Andy North into the lake. Everything and everyone is wonderful to North. It’s a wonder he didn’t break into a soliloquy on how Augusta has the greatest bathrooms in the world and comment that Jim Furyk really knows how to pee.

A few years ago, Denny Green - one of the greatest soundbite coaches of all time, and really isn’t that how coaches should be rated - went into that famous post-choke-away-a-game rant on how the Chicago Bears we’re “just what we thought they were.” Well, it turns out the Masters Par 3 is much more boring than any of us could have ever imagined.

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