Should The Players (formerly known as the Tournament Players’ Championship) be considered a major championship and thus raise the quantity of majors from four to five? This question arises every year and is debated everywhere in the golf world ad nauseam, ad infinitum, ad boredom. And since this interrogation is reborn every year, we will run virtually the same column every year. It’s no secret that Tim Finchem is trying his hardest, subtly or brazenly, to get the golf world to accept the TPC as a major. The answer to any golf traditionalist or purist is, of course, a resounding, “No!”

The most basic reason is that the math doesn’t work. The “Grand Slam” is based on the number four. It’s a baseball term with the number four at its core. A player hits one out of the park with the bases loaded and four runs score, he gets four RBI’s, he touches four bases and he makes four more million dollars. Everything is FOUR! If a fifth major comes about, no longer can we use the term “Grand Slam.” We have to use something with a connotation of five. Perhaps we could use “The Great Quinary.” Somehow that doesn’t seem to have the same quality as “Grand Slam.” Maybe we could borrow “The Mighty Quinn?” I think this would be good, then, if someone in his 50’s wins all five major championships, the media would have a linguistic Mardi Gras. The winner would be known as “The Mighty Quinquagenarian Quinn.” And further verbal possibilities are endless.

So you see how silly this whole idea is? In its elementary form it doesn’t work. In its corporate form it is still an avaricious, self-indulgent maneuver.

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