I just got some truly exciting news: I’m worth $138,095.

No, I don’t mean that’s how much money I have in the bank. I mean that according to experts, were I to get tragically hit in the head with a stray Titleist tomorrow, it would cost my husband $138,095 to replace me.

This apparently is how much I, as a stay-at-home mom, hypothetically save by performing my various duties as “housekeeper, cook, day care center teacher, van driver, laundry machine operator, facilities manager, janitor, computer operator, chief executive officer and psychologist,” according to the study.

Now I don’t know about your husband, but mine might be a little peeved at the notion that I’m the CEO around here. I’m pretty sure he thinks he’s the visionary filling that position, and I’m basically running the physical plant.

But that notwithstanding, they forgot about my role as triage nurse. Is there blood involved? No? Then stop the crying already. Also, I don’t mean to nitpick with the experts, but wouldn’t “housekeeper” include the job duties of “janitor"? Cause if we’re double-dipping, maybe we should add dishwasher, Swiffer operator, and quicker picker upper. I mean, surely that’s worth another 20K.

And let’s not overlook my critical sex therapist duties. I’m not sure on the price tag for that, but let’s just say with my mad skillz, it’s a lot.

And finally, they forgot “golf coach.” Who’s the one taking my 8-year-old to the driving range and showing her the ropes? Who’s teaching her the proper stance, swing, and etiquette? Who’s inspiring her with booming drives and low scores? Oh wait, that’s right, I hired a pro to teach her all that stuff.

Of course, one of the problems with the study, besides the fact that they assume I drive a van, is they assume women are doing a good job in all those various roles.

I mean, surely a good facilities manager gets paid better than a bad one. And I know my janitorial skills are not so stellar as to be earning above the industry average, if you know what I mean.

I guess in some ways, the study does make a point. I was lunching once with a particularly wealthy girlfriend, the kind with a 24-hour nanny for each child, and she was telling me about one of her friends: “They only have one nanny, and they make her do all the housework too. Can you imagine, taking care of three kids, plus doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, and all the laundry? That is way too much to ask of one person!”

Honey, you are so right — it’s practically inhuman. Maybe I should ask for a raise.

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