What would happen if Government controlled golf?

If the golfers are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are, then they would get all the free mulligans they wanted.

Let me guess, you believed that death panel garbage and still think the president wasn't born in the U.S., right?

Katharine,

I loved this piece. I didn't appreciate your sense of humor before today.

Golf has enough issues right now. Please, PLEASE, leave the government out of it. If government somehow took control of golf, I'd move to Iceland and start an ice-fishing writers association.

See you in Pinehurst!

Thanks Mike...Always wanted to take up ice fishing. Did it once in Finland! Certainly easier to dangle a hook into an ice hole rather than steer a golf ball into its hole. And all you have to do this to enjoy it is sit in a hut.

Wow you realy put time into this

Props for trying your hand at satire, but it is a silly premise and far too obvious. Why not, "What if the Catholic Church controlled golf?" Similarly nonsensical, and also like shooting fish in a barrel:

1. Caddies would be forced to wear G-strings. (etc, etc,...)

(Oh, hold on--this would also work for the RNC!)

Well if government controlled golf now, Obama would make sweeping changes into the game. If to many whites were on the leaderboard at one time, they would be disqualified because of the lack of non-white players. All players would make the same money as well, wealth would be spread regardless of scoring, talent, or work ethic. Failing players would be bailed out by stimulus, and American players would be required to bow to any foriegn player from a comunist or muslim country prior to playing on the first tee.

George W. Bush's SEC Golf Rules



Here are a few of the changes:



Golfers with handicaps:

- below 10 will only be required to have 5% of the money they are betting in their pocket on the day of the match

- between 11 and 18 will be required to have 100% of the money they are betting in their pockets on the day of the match, plus 37% of the money being bet by the below 10 handicap group

- above 18 will be required to have 125% of the money they are betting in their pocket on the day of the match, plus the 58% remainder of money being bet by the below 10 handicappers





- The below 10 handicap players will then arrange for a 2nd group of below 10 handicap golfers to set up "bet default insurance" on the 95% of cash the first group of low handicappers don't have in pocket.





- The first group of below 10 handicap golfers will pay a small premium to the second group of low handicap golfers for this insurance, but since their bet is now insured and "AAA", they can go make more bets with only 5% of cash in their pockets. They can leverage their 5% of bet money by a factor of 100, or more!



- In the meantime, the second group of low handicap golfers will sell trillions more of this "bet insurance" to low handicap golfers all over the country for lots of fees. But they will not reserve any money for paying out because that would tie up capital and is "excessive gov't regulation" and really, how likely is it that low handicap golfers are going to make bad bets?



- Then, a third group of low handicap golfers will figure out that they can bundle up the 1st group's bet insurance contracts into units, buy a 2nd layer of "bet insurance" on those, and earn their own fees! Epic!



- Then the first group of low handicap golfers says - "But my God, "government regulation" is strangling this business, and we'd like to bet more, let's go to "W's" SEC and talk."



- "W's SEC says "okay, it looks like gov't regulation is strangling you, we are going to lower your requirement for cash on hand to 2.5%".



- All three groups of low handicap golfers yell "Hooray!", and another $100 trillion of leveraged business is in the pipeline.



- But then, on their very first, original bet, the one that all other contracts are written on, the low handicap golfers get their asses kicked by some high-handicap golfers that they were sure they had totally screwed on the 1st tee.



- The first low handicap group goes to their "bet insurance" providers, but after 100 fold leverage and no reserves, the "bet insurance" people have no money, and there is no payout.



- Then, all three groups of low handicap golfers have an idea, "Let's get all the mid and high handicap golfers, who weren't playing in our matches, and then all the people who don't even play golf or have never even heard of golf (in the entire country) to come up with money to cover us. If they don't do it, they're hosed, as $176 trillion dollars of worthless "bet insurance" (derivatives) in the banking system will make their dollars, well....worthless. $2.5 trillion of their money to cover our original underlying "bets" ought to prop up the remaining $173.5 trillion until we can get out of town." Brilliant!



- "Then, we'll blame all this on the 1% of high-handicap golfers we thought we had totally screwed on the 1st tee. They are irresponsible bettors, and through their dishonesty and general sorryness, and even though they have no money, they almost destroyed the world financial system. Thank god for us low handicappers being on watch." Brilliant!





So yes, I think even non-golfers will understand this after they've been paying for 10 or 15 years.





Jack Whitley