Top 5 absolutely awful golf gifts

There are a lot of things out there these days to make the spikes rise up on the back of your neck. Some relief from the gloom and doom would be nice. So here we go: my “Top 5 Absolutely Off-the-Wall Golf Gifts to Keep you Laughing in Tough Times.”

Pee Perfect
#1- It looks like a 7 iron, but the UroClub is actually a device that lets you pee surreptitiously right on the fairway into a hallow shaft using an attached towel for privacy. Any beer drinkers playing on a flat, treeless course should love this. $24.95 plus s&h.

Beep me up, Scotty
#2- It’s the idea of people running around with these things beeping away that is silly. Using its Ball Positioning System™ (BPS™) technology, RadarGolf has come up with this crazy idea to embed a tiny microchip about the size of a gnat into a ball. Shank your ball into the woods, and your Handheld device “communicates” with your ball. For $199.95 you get the device, one dozen RadarGolf Balls, a Shield-it pouch set to keep your additional balls from beeping off and a case. www.radargolf.com

Spiky Hair
#3- One of my favorite outrageous ideas is Flair Hair, a visor with a whole head of nerdy spiky hair sticking up from the center - kind of like a chia pet on steroids. “Since I started using Flair Hair,” writes one golfer, “my golf game has dramatically improved. My slice is gone, I’m averaging 20 more yards on my drives, and I’ve got the confidence that helps me win each week on tour.” Hey, that’s it. When you wear Flair Hair, not even your mother can take you seriously, especially you, so all you can do is relax, enjoy the laughs and let the putts roll in. It comes with gray, blond and dark brown “hair” and in various sizes and colors( $19.95) www.flairhair.com

Getting Naked
#4- Let’s not forget Rodney Dangerfield who in the movie “Caddyshack,” waltzed into his fancy new club, dressed to kill in a nerdy golfing outfit and asked the pro for one of their hats, a couple dozen balls and six naked lady tees. Six tees in a plastic sleeve costs $13.99. www.golfun.net

The Butt of the Joke
#5 It doesn’t take much imagination to conjure up a vision of an upside down baboon. Now imagine it atop your driver. The “Kaboomi Baboon” is just one of the best-sellers from Butthead Covers. Other old favorites like Clucky, Happy Horse, Ewe Too, Mingo Bingo (upside down flamingo), Margarita Macaw and Rocky Raccoon join the new and zany Popcorn Bag, French Fries and Cheeseburger covers. Prices start at $18. www.buttheadcovers.com