Golf’s rules are intricate and arcane beyond human comprehension. The golf course is a sublime convergence of nature and nurture. The concept of using grotesquely shaped sticks to propel a tiny orb through the infinity of space is simply outside the conceivable reckoning of man. The hole-in-one is simply miraculous.

Clearly, golf is a supernatural creation. Obviously, there is intelligent design here. And any talk of Old Tom this or Pete Dye that, gutta percha this or titanium that is heretical, pure and simple.

Let there be no confusion, either. When I say “supernatural,” I do not mean God. Do you think God – the God of the loaves and fishes – would create Hell Bunker? Do you think God – the God of eternal salvation – would penalize stroke and distance for OB?

Hell no!

It is the work of Beelzebub, Satan, Lucifer, Sean O’Hair’s father – the DEVIL himself.

But just because golf is a work of evil doesn’t mean it’s not brilliant. Take the handicap system as an example. Unadulterated genius. What other sport allows the likes of Tiger Woods and Joe Duffer to play one another on the same grounds, with the same rules (tortuously convoluted as they may be)? What other sport thus begets an equivalent plethora of ingenious wagering possibilities? (Ah-ha! Gambling – more evidence of an evil creator! Let’s not even get into the other vices golf engenders…)

Simply put, from its physics to its rules, golf is too complex to have been devised by man. In its seamless dovetailing of playing grounds with nature and the elements, it is too perfect to have arisen by chance. In its damnable difficulty and the crushing despair we must all inevitably endure when trying to master it, golf is too vexing to have been wrought by any benevolent god.

For all of our sakes, I pray that the perfection of golf does not portend the final reckoning. Because based on the evidence, the creator of golf appears every bit as intelligent as the creator tacitly implied to be at the heart of “Intelligent Design.” (Is there any sign of intelligence at all in the poorly-placed, cancer-prone prostate gland?)

So, hedge your bets: Go to church first, and THEN play golf. You might get strokes from both sides, which could come in awfully handy when heading to the ultimate 19th Hole.

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