Golf's design beyond limits of man or chance
Golf’s rules are intricate and arcane beyond human comprehension. The golf course is a sublime convergence of nature and nurture. The concept of using grotesquely shaped sticks to propel a tiny orb through the infinity of space is simply outside the conceivable reckoning of man. The hole-in-one is simply miraculous.
Clearly, golf is a supernatural creation. Obviously, there is intelligent design here. And any talk of Old Tom this or Pete Dye that, gutta percha this or titanium that is heretical, pure and simple.
Let there be no confusion, either. When I say “supernatural,” I do not mean God. Do you think God – the God of the loaves and fishes – would create Hell Bunker? Do you think God – the God of eternal salvation – would penalize stroke and distance for OB?
It is the work of Beelzebub, Satan, Lucifer, Sean O’Hair’s father – the DEVIL himself.
But just because golf is a work of evil doesn’t mean it’s not brilliant. Take the handicap system as an example. Unadulterated genius. What other sport allows the likes of Tiger Woods and Joe Duffer to play one another on the same grounds, with the same rules (tortuously convoluted as they may be)? What other sport thus begets an equivalent plethora of ingenious wagering possibilities? (Ah-ha! Gambling – more evidence of an evil creator! Let’s not even get into the other vices golf engenders…)
Simply put, from its physics to its rules, golf is too complex to have been devised by man. In its seamless dovetailing of playing grounds with nature and the elements, it is too perfect to have arisen by chance. In its damnable difficulty and the crushing despair we must all inevitably endure when trying to master it, golf is too vexing to have been wrought by any benevolent god.
For all of our sakes, I pray that the perfection of golf does not portend the final reckoning. Because based on the evidence, the creator of golf appears every bit as intelligent as the creator tacitly implied to be at the heart of “Intelligent Design.” (Is there any sign of intelligence at all in the poorly-placed, cancer-prone prostate gland?)
So, hedge your bets: Go to church first, and THEN play golf. You might get strokes from both sides, which could come in awfully handy when heading to the ultimate 19th Hole.
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I love it when a writer uses big words like "plethora," "begets," "arcane," and "unadulterated" in an entertaining way. Personally, I just throw them in because they are hard to pronounce, combine lots of vowels and consonants (as opposed to Hawaiian, which is all vowels, and Welsh, which is just the opposite), and often impress people who read too quickly.
Kiel (is that part of a boat), have you seen that picture of Papa O'Hair on haunches, behind his son, eyeing the line of the putt? Satan himself. Well done on this expose.
Regarding Sean O'Hair, I would say this...
His father, based on what I have read, tried to do what he thought was best to allow Sean to succeed on Tour. Misguided? Yes. Great Santini-esque? Yes. Opportunistic? Absolutely. But consider this...how successful is Sean now?
It boils down to this...everyone takes a different view to parenting. Some parents parents would like to be "freinds" with their child. Others are disciplinarians, and believe their duty to their child is to give them the tools to succeed and survive. As Sean's father expressed in a recent article, popularity was not a concern for him. Respect was.
I guess this is a decision for each parent to make. But let me ask you this, how much different to you think the intent of Earl Woods was from O'Hair? Maybe the fault lies in the execution, not the intent.
Sean can clear this whole thing up, and put it behind him. I am sure it isn't fun to continue to answer these questions, time after time. He needs to extend the olive branch, and say he wants a relationship. He has nothing to apologize for, but he needs to forgive his father and define the terms by which he wants to have a father-son relationship. Time will tell, but I'd hate to see Sean slip on the green jacket, and miss the opportunity to share in the success with the man who taught him the game. I would see something incomplete in such a victory...
I suppose there's always the unanswerable question of whether Sean (or Tiger, for that matter) is as good as he is because of his father's influence, or despite it.
Whatever that answer is, I agree: Life is too short to bear grudges, especially against family.