There is nothing like the weekend at the U.S. Open. And there never has been anything like the 2008 U.S. Open, as this is the first time it has ever been held at Torrey Pines.

The USGA has begun a trend of awarding Opens to public courses, like Torrey, ever since the success of the 2002 U.S. Open at Bethpage Black, the so-called “People’s Open.” The latest good news for us regular folks was the announcement that the 2015 U.S. Open will be held at the just-opened, and also public, Chambers Bay in Washington state.

So, how does one fit in at a SoCal U.S. Open?

First thing, you wear an organic shirt, like the Ashworth Organics polo I’m wearing today ($80). Why organic? Well, cotton represents only 3% of the world’s crops, but accounts for 25% of all pesticides used worldwide. And five of the top nine pesticides used in U.S. cotton production are known carcinogens.

For lack of a better word: Yuck.

Second, you drive a hybrid. But this is SoCal, not Vermont, so by golly, it can be the most luxurious hybrid on the market: the Lexus LS600h L.

Last night my father-in-law discovered the reclining back seats, shiatsu massage seat settings, and the rear-seat entertainment system. After he uttered, “My Caddy doesn’t even compare to this,", I never heard from him again. For all I know, he spent the night back there.

Of course, as the driver, I’ll never experience the full range of amenities this $100K+ car offers, but I have developed a rather intimate relationship with the voice of the GPS system. Though she still won’t tell me what she’s wearing….

Finally, carelessly toss around words like “poa” and “June gloom” and “Body Thetan”, and you’ll meld right into the local crowd.

Oh, yeah. And then head on out to Torrey Pines for the greatest weekend in golf.