According to LPGA Commissioner Bivens, the recently-announced mandate that all players learn English within two years of joining the tour is intended to ensure that players can better interact with sponsors and media.

As a former English as a foreign/second language teacher myself, and someone who for a couple of decades was fairly conversant in six or seven languages (use it or lose it), I know full well that learning a foreign language as an adult is difficult, especially when the bulk of one’s time is spent alone or with a fellow countryman(woman) on a golf course.

I also know that American athletes playing professional sports in other countries (say, baseball in Japan, or basketball in Turkey) are not likewise compelled to learn those languages. This mandate thus seems a bit heavy-handed and one-sided.

Nevertheless, as a public service, I offer the following useful phrases for LPGA players who may need to start studying.

First, let’s start with phrases useful in media interviews. I’ve attended a lot of these over the years, and considering the inanity of most of the questions, the following 12 should go a long way:

1) No, I did not notice how nice Natalie Gulbis’s legs looked today.

2) No, I do not think Paula Creamer would go out with you.

3) No, I haven’t given much thought to the state of Michelle Wie’s game.

4) No, I haven’t played with Tiger Woods.

5) I hit a nine-iron (eight-iron, seven-iron, six-iron, etc.) there.

6) No, I won’t go out with you, either.

7) The course is in great shape.

8) The gallery is really great.

9) This tournament is one of my favorites.

10) I made some really good (poor) swings today.

11) Yes, of course I’m disappointed.

12) Yes, of course this win means very much to me.

Now, on to tournament pro-ams. More variability here, but having walked around courses during several of these, I think the following will be a solid foundation. Of course, there are plenty of PGA Tour and Champions Tour players who don’t say a damn thing to their pro-am partners beyond a handshake and a “Nice to meet you” at the first tee and a “It’s been fun” at the 18th. And I don’t see anyone suggesting etiquette classes for these anti-social grumps. Anyway, here we go:

1) Hit another one.

2) Take a mulligan.

3) That’s gone.

4) That’s wet.

5) Maybe you should play the forward tees.

6) Trust me, I don’t think any less of your manliness when I out-drive you.

7) Cute top! (To female playing partners)

8) Nice shoes! (Either gender)

9) That’s going to break right (left).

10) The other right (left).

11) Yes (No), I do (don’t) like sushi.

12) No, I did not notice how nice Natalie Gulbis’s legs looked today.

13) No, I do not think Paula Creamer would go out with you.

14) No, I haven’t given much thought to the state of Michelle Wie’s game.

15) No, I haven’t played with Tiger Woods.

16) No, I won’t go out with you, either.

Suggestions from readers are very welcome. Let’s all chip in to help out the LPGA players who have been so roughly handled by the ham-hands of Commissioner Bivens.

And speaking of Bivens, I have one English word she might find useful in the future:

1) Please.

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