Fed to bail out persimmon driver manufacturers

WASHINGTON, D.C. (MFI newsfeed) – Fed Secretary Henry Paulson today announced a plan to provide $25 billion immediately to bail out America’s moribund persimmon driver industry. The move is an attempt to help make the former stalwart of American golf equipment once again competitive in the world market.

“Persimmon,” explained Paulson to a skeptical Congressional oversight committee, “is to golf what private jets and luxury spa retreats are to corporate executives who have run their companies into the ground. And as they say, ‘What’s good for golf is good for America.’”

When asked specifically about the nearly two decade-long shift in the driver market to light-weight titanium clubheads measuring in at 460cc, Paulson sneered ruefully and retorted, “And where has that gotten us? A few longer drives, an epidemic of monstrously long golf courses, and more lost balls, that’s where! I mean, really, what is golf without the excruciating pain of a mis-hit drive with a persimmon driver? Do golfers really need to hit the ball 280 yards to feel like big men? Of course not. They can simply lay off some workers, break a union, or cut off their employees’ health benefits if they want to feel powerful.”

When asked why it should be the taxpayers who foot the bill for the persimmon bailout, Paulson simply pointed to the back of the room, where sat a half-dozen of his closest friends and colleagues, former persimmon driver makers, all wearing plus-fours, metal spikes, tweed sportcoats and short ties, gripping gutta perchas and weeping softly.

“You can’t expect these bumbling fools to dig themselves out of this mess,” said Paulson (whose nickname, it was revealed during the proceedings, is “Wormburner"). “I beg you, release them this money and they will be back on their private jets and pumping out more persimmon drivers before you can say, ‘Bob’s your caddy.’”

“Besides,” added Paulson, “the average golfer simply wants persimmon drivers, and vastly over-priced ones at that. I have a pie chart somewhere that proves it.”

The hearings ended all-square, however, and a final decision on the persimmon bailout was suspended due to darkness. Upon exiting the hearing room, Paulson was heard to mumble under his breath, “Titanium! Horse feathers! Say, that reminds me, I need to send a few billion to the feathery industry…”