Oh, Payne, where art thou now?

Doug Ferguson’s recent AP bit on Jesper Parnevik’s effect on PGA Tour fashions was filled with horrifying, gouge-your-eyes-out kind of imagery. First, DF has to remind us of the aqua pants and turquoise shirt Jesper wore at the Players Championship. Then Darren Clarke wearing more orange than an RV full of drunk Tennessee Vol fans (they’re always drunk) at the Bay Hill Invitational, and Ian Poulter doing his best golf meets-Mick Jagger circa 1981 impression at the British Open. Christ, Dougie, make it stop! But no …. Ferguson cruelly goes on, reminding us of Scott Hend’s bright yellow/kelly green getup at Torrey Pines and more.

God, nothing’s been the same since Payne Stewart took the long flight in 99. Remember when there he was, the odd man out. One guy in knickers and that damn tam-o’shanter and 149 in various combinations of tan, black and white. No more, though, according to Ferguson. The pox that is Jesper Parnevik’s wardrobe is spreading and, before long, every guy on tour’s going to look like he’s been dipped in magenta puke (’cept Tiger, of course, who wouldn’t even wear knickers when everyone else did just after Stewart’s jet went down). What’s worse, this neon abomination is bound to trickle (ooze?) its way down to the local muni course scene, meaning we mortals will have to see it in 3-D Technicolor. Guys, I’m begging you. Enough already. Don’t trust this Parnevik character! Can’t you see where he’s taking you!? No? Forgive me for what I’m about to show you, but maybe some of these pics will help.

Carry on, ladies.