Michael Bolton, caddies team up to beat golf writer to death with cheese

Here’s a bit of news that recently came across my desk (I swear to you it’s not from theonion.com). It turns out that, on behalf of the Professional Caddies Association, balding, golf-happy crooner Michael Bolton has recorded a musical ode to those bloodshot guys with the five o’clock shadows who carry golf bags. The song is called “Five Feet Away” and the press release describes it as “the PCA Caddie Anthem.”

“We are the world, we are the loopers …”

It goes on to say: “‘Five Feet Under’ underscores the important role caddies play on and off the course.” (Now, before you ask, no, the press release doesn’t elaborate on what important role caddies play off the course.)

A Dennis Cone, founder of the World Caddie Headquarters, is quoted as saying: “More than three years of work have gone into this project to capture the essence of the caddie’s job on and off the golf course and put it to music in a way that will stick in the hearts and minds of people worldwide.”

Worldwide.

“Hey, Jargal! Did you hear about that new Bolton tribute to golf caddies? Forget the herd, dude. Let’s saddle a yak and trek on into Yuanjiang to buy a copy - it’s bound to stick in our hearts and minds!”

As fascinating and important as their release is, I just question the PCA’s timing. It’s a shame, really - this news is certain to overshadow the tournament those good people at the PGA of America are putting on this week at Baltusrol.