Feb 01

Tiger Wood's Invincibility explained through Mythology, Oprah, Chuck Norris, Seal and Heidi Klum

Many have tried to define, nay, to explain the source of Tiger’s tiger. All have failed. Until now. I choose to reveal this history at the dawn of Tiger’s quest for greatness, the Grand Slam of 2006.

When Tiger was but a cub, his mother dipped him in a Thai river called the xyts (pronounced ‘zits.’) She held him by his third toe on the left foot, so the only vulnerable part of his physique is … you guessed it, the middle toe.

Another version of the story describes Tiger’s venture into a circular 99-hole golf maze. No human had ever before penetrated and emerged from the labyrinth. Tiger left a trail of divots behind as he successfully traversed the course, then defeated the mythical putter in the center, known as the ruatonim. He then followed his trail of divots back to Earl and Kultida.

To add to the legend, Tiger would only have to ingest copious quantities of illegal substances, survive, and write a book about it. Oprah would then invite him on her show, and he could then jump up onto the couch and scream ebuliently about his love for Elin.

Chuck Norris is much more powerful than Tiger, we all know. However, if Tiger Woods’ swing were to meet a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, the entire universe would sink into a black hole, and this blog would cease to exist.

Heidi Klum wanted to go out with Tiger, but Elin (spelled Nile backward–you figure out the symbolism) was too powerful, so Klum had to accept Seal as her betrothed. Granted his pipes are stronger than Tiger’s but that’s about it.

Now you know why Tiger is the greatest.

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8 comments

§ trip said on : 02/01/06 @ 12:15
You are a brave man Ron Mon invoking the name of Chuck Norris. Tiger's swing is powerful, but a Norris roundhouse kick...Remember Chuck does not sleep, he waits and the last thing you may see in this lifetime is the undersole of a size 11 Norris boot.
§ Ron Mon® said on : 02/01/06 @ 12:50
I had no idea how powerful Chuck had become for the younger generation. He is a god, in the most farsical sense of the word. I think that golfers should unite to create a similar mythos surrounding Tiger. You've seen my first attempt. Now you give me something amazing that Tiger can do.
§ One-Putt said on : 02/01/06 @ 13:10
Chuck is one of the nicest people on Earth. Don't believe everything you see or hear on the screen and think that is Chuck. He is the type that will stop his truck for a dog injured on the side of the road, gently place it in the back and pay whatever it takes to let it recover.

When he speeks at a school or youth confinement facility he asks for a separate session with the troubled youth, not to talk at them, just to talk with them and encourage them to change.
§ Ron Mon® said on : 02/01/06 @ 13:20
I believe it. I love Bruce Lee, Chuck, and martial arts in general. Do you have a tall Tiger Woods tale to contribute?
§ One-Putt said on : 02/01/06 @ 14:15
No Mo-Ron no Tiger tails (sic). Just the facts as I know them.

What discipine of Korean martial arts did you train in?

Hop Ki Do?
Tang Soo Do?
Mok Duk Kwan?
Westernized Tae Kwon Do maybe?

No Ron, I have you pegged as someone who lives life vicariously with what you learn from comic books, movies and the boob tube.

Your blogs have revealed your sources of inspiration.

They ain't real Grasshopper!
§ Ron Mon® said on : 02/01/06 @ 14:19
You couldn't be farther from the truth, one putt. Those who make assumptions reveal their foolishness. Under Par has made the same mistake, but I welcome his comments, as I do yours.

My style is a combination of Tang soo do and american street fighting.

My guess is that you have much more time to fool around with comic books, cable t.v. movies and the web than I do.

As a full-time father and husband with three jobs, community commitments, and no criminal record, I humbly grab the world by the throat and shake it for all it is worth. I happen to have a photographic memory for trivial facts.

Welcome to my world.
§ JOYCE LONG said on : 02/01/06 @ 14:49
ARE YOU MONT GREEN ,?????? THAT WORKED AT THE COUNTRY CLUB IN ALBANY OREGON .
IF YOU ARE HOW IN YHE HECK ARE YOU , I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU SOME TIME .
JOYCE
§ Ron Mon® said on : 02/01/06 @ 15:00
I am not Mont Green, but I'm sure he is a tremendous chap. My time in Oregon was ten days last Summer, at Bandon. Keep reading and commenting, though.