Many have tried to define, nay, to explain the source of Tiger’s tiger. All have failed. Until now. I choose to reveal this history at the dawn of Tiger’s quest for greatness, the Grand Slam of 2006.

When Tiger was but a cub, his mother dipped him in a Thai river called the xyts (pronounced ‘zits.’) She held him by his third toe on the left foot, so the only vulnerable part of his physique is … you guessed it, the middle toe.

Another version of the story describes Tiger’s venture into a circular 99-hole golf maze. No human had ever before penetrated and emerged from the labyrinth. Tiger left a trail of divots behind as he successfully traversed the course, then defeated the mythical putter in the center, known as the ruatonim. He then followed his trail of divots back to Earl and Kultida.

To add to the legend, Tiger would only have to ingest copious quantities of illegal substances, survive, and write a book about it. Oprah would then invite him on her show, and he could then jump up onto the couch and scream ebuliently about his love for Elin.

Chuck Norris is much more powerful than Tiger, we all know. However, if Tiger Woods’ swing were to meet a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, the entire universe would sink into a black hole, and this blog would cease to exist.

Heidi Klum wanted to go out with Tiger, but Elin (spelled Nile backward–you figure out the symbolism) was too powerful, so Klum had to accept Seal as her betrothed. Granted his pipes are stronger than Tiger’s but that’s about it.

Now you know why Tiger is the greatest.

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