I accept this nomination to the PGA Tour Partner's Club

If my keystrokes seem a little erratic, please bear with me. Today, in the US mail, I received a personal nomination from the 2006 US Ryder Cup Captain, Mister Thomas Lehman, to join the PGA TOUR Partner’s Club. My hands were quivering with uncertainty as I gently detached the envelope flap, although not so gently that I avoided a deep, painful paper cut. After applying ointment and bandaging the wound, I managed to read through the blood stains that I have received an honor accorded to a very few golfers throughout the world. If you can hold your envy to a teacup-full, I will read to you what the very personal letter says:

And it’s my pleasure to inform you that YOU HAVE BEEN NOMINATED TO BECOME AN OFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE CLUB. To accept your nomination, simply return the enclosed RSVP within 10 days.

Between you and me, I feel like Tom knows the real me. He knows that I’m “passionately devoted to the sport,” that I’m a “dedicated golfer,” that I’m “exactly the kind of person our Club is always looking for.” How he had the time to get to know me like that, with all the Ryder Cup business of the past two years, just escapes me!

As with all duchys and other royal pronouncements, there is a small filing fee attached to my nomination. I’m sure that Mister Captain Thomas Lehman would pay my fee, but I don’t wish to appear so boorish as to inquire. I’ve changed, you see, for the better. As part of my nomination, I will receive name-brand golf balls and green fee rebates as an active member. Oh, boy, will I be active! I can’t wait to receive the first product for review.

That’s my job, you see. I will now review equipment and file a report with His Highness Mister Captain Thomas Lehman. That I get to keep the product is nothing churlish, just a fair reward for doing my job.

Oh no, oh my goodness, oh, this cannot be happening. In my haste to respond to His Royal Highness Mister Captain Thomas Lehman The Only’s nomination, I failed to affix the “I Accept” sticker to the RSVP Form. It was attached to the reverse of our Club’s Bill Of Rights, and there it remains, long after my winged envelope takes flight into Tom’s strong, capable hands. Perhaps he will understand, perhaps he will forgive me, perhaps…