Thank You, Masters Jerks, for ruining Spring BirdieFest

I remember watching Seve Ballesteros escape from everywhere, build a nine-shot cushion (or so), then give nearly all of it back before winning his first Masters. I was seduced. I´m certain that, a generation later, in 1997, other yong golfer-wanna-bes had the same satisfaction viewing Tiger tear it up and hammer Kite and everyone else by mounds of strokes.

What kids do you think will look back at the 2007 Masters and call it the turning point in their decision to golf…manic-depressive ones who like seeing Ogilvy make 9 on 15? Suicidal ones who enjoy slow bogey-fests like Mayfair and Oberholser suffered? Before you call me inconsiderate and a flame-fanner, remember that we have suicidal and manic-depressive kids in this world, as well as golfers named Mayfair, Ogilvy and Oberholser.

So thank you,Tom Fazio, for building a monster that even Hogan would hate. Thank you, crusty old Masters landed-gentry curmudgeons, thank you, ghost of Cliff Roberts, and thank you, USGA of the south, for ruining the Masters and turning it into just another US Open. Which par three green (a la Shinnecock) will putts and chips slide off tomorrow, number 12?

Thank you for protecting par. Now we have three in a row (Masters, TPC in May, and USO in June), where the aggregate number of birdies will measure less than my shoe size (and I have big feet, around size 10.) Here´s hoping that the British Open will allow for sub-par scores…what? It´s where? Carnoustie? Aww, SH%·&$T!!!! I guess the PGA Will have to … Southern Hills? Stewart Cink, Mark Books and Retief Goosen three-putting for one foot? Forget it!!