US Open weekend predictions...calamitous falls, triumphant returns, etc.

One name jumped out at me as I drizzled down the list of cut survivors: Lee Janzen. He’s my pick to win that tournament this weekend.

Why Lee? He’s won it twice already, twice picking the pockets of Payne Stewart. How well-remembered would the be-knickered one (I know they’re plus fours, but be-plus foured one sound stupid) be if not for Janzen?

^^^^^^ HOW LEE WILL SOLVE OAKMONT’S GREENS ^^^^^^

Lee is coming off quite a recent skid, where he had to re-register for q-school in order to get his card back. With the bumps and the bruises, he is the perfect candidate to slip in unnoticed. With sandy hair and a boring personality, he is also the quintessential USGA champion.

Fastest fall off the leaderboard (now known as the Nick Dougherty award, formerly known as the Rod Pampling award) will bestow itself upon Bubba Watson and Stephen Ames. Bubba will play drill-sergeant golf, while Ames will prove that winners of The Players Championship do not necessarily spread this wealth to true major events.

^^^^^^ LAND SOFTLY, BUBBA! ^^^^^^

I can’t believe he hung around ribbons go to Justin Rose (who usually collapses on Sunday, but will hang around this year for a top five), Paul Casey (as long as he succeeds in not pissing off sensitive americans) and Brandt Snedeker (the heir to the Janzen throne, oh wait, he’s interesting.)

^^^^^^ CAN YOU HOLD ON THROUGH SUNDAY, JUSTIN? ^^^^^^

Could be interesting cups go to three unique euros, Nic Fasth and Carl Petterson from Sweden, and Graeme McDowell from Northern Ireland. One of these guys could hang around, while another will surely fall from grace with an expansive thud.

^^^^^^ HOW MUCH ARE THESE EUROS REALLY WORTH? ^^^^^^

Tiger will make no fewer than five birdies today. If he makes no bogies, he will wet the pants of all other cut survivors and end the tournament. If he cannot steer clear of the waterless ditches and sandy kneelers from houses of worship, he’ll grind his teeth to nubbins and turn coal into diamonds out of sheer frustration.

^^^^^^ ANYBODY HAVE SOME PEPPER FOR THIS FOWNES? ^^^^^^