The man feared most at Southern Hills by Tiger Woods and his PGA Tour cohorts has been nabbed for abuse of diuretics. Alessandro Pissilli was suspended for a positive test result for finasteride by the Italian olympic committee.

Pissilli, Shadow Figure

“Vivienne and I have known little Alessandro since he was a caddie at Crans Sur Sierre, where I won a number of unofficial international, mixed-species, four-ball events. Alessandro, as we called him, was never a very muscular lad, had little hair, even as a child, and always complained of discomfort in the nether regions. He still is not very muscular, but has a full head of hair and no longer experiences discomfort. It is clear that the finasteride has been of medical benefit, even if there is no improvement in his golf game.”

In spite of the fact that Pissilli had not actually qualified for the PGA Championship, he was still feared. Despite previous outings and oustings of world sporting figures Zach Lund, Stan Lazaridis, and Nordine Gezzar for finasteride dependency, Pissilli insisted that he had taken the drug to treat a prostrate problem (and possibly hair loss.) Finasteride is a known mask for steroid detection, but that notion has little to do with the more serious allegations of attempted prostrate curing and intended hair repopulation.

Dick Pound, IOC chairman, had this to say:

“We knew all along that there was a big fish at the end of the line. This revelation validates all the wild accusations we had made in the past, and gives us pause and cause to proceed with baseless innuendo and calumny in the future.”

On an incidental note, all quotations in this blog entry were fabricated and are completely made up. It is not even known if Alessandro Pissollinni, Dick Pound, Vivienne and Gary Player, and RonMon even exist outside of a fictional world.