Thanks be to Vijay, who confirmed that no one wants the title of #2 anymore (just ask Barack or Hillary…) Vijay resurrected then returned to the dead with a playoff loss to Steve Lowery on Sunday. In the last eight days, Ernie gave away a title to Tiger, Phil gave away a playoff to J.B. Holmes, and Vijay pitched one to the less-than-threatening, no-I-cannot-hit-a-draw-to-save-my-life Steve Lowery. I like Lowery; he’s a cross between Lumpy and Charlie…sort of a pudgy surfer dude, although not carved like Kelly Slater, for sure. Hits that cut shot like he’s breathing it…if he stops, he’ll die. Steve Boy joined John Holmes and S.S.P. Chowrasian as victors of no-repute this month. Can’t wait for March, honey!

I’ll let you in on something…I was royally pissed that the Patriots lost that darned game last week. I’m not necessarily a Patriots fan, but I sure love perfection. I WANT to see Tiger play great golf (and no one else deserves mention here, so shut up and read) and win with perfection and I wanted 19-0. If the Bills had beaten the Giants back in 1991, it would have capped a great season by an explosive offense, just as 2008 would have seemed. Instead, we get career performances by the easily-forgotten Jeff Hostetler and the soon-to-be-easily-forgotten Eli Manning. I swear to God, if Tiger wins the first three this year and loses the PGA to Ricardo Mutomba Zheng Dallahousie from Port Southern Westerly Outer Fudgebank, I’ll quit following sports forever.

There’s no perfection in life; cannot we at least have it in our dreams, Lord? My new favorite is currently playing on the Asian Tour and goes by Digvijay Singh…you dig?