SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: The following is a poor attempt at fiction and should not be read in any way, shape or form as resembling the truth.

David Feherty, who bears a striking resemblance to this writer, was in passable condition in a southern hospital, the survivor of an attempt on his life. The born-again Texan was clipped by a truck while impersonating Lance Armstrong on a lesser day, although there is no truth to the rumor that Feherty sported a yellow jersey.

Gary McCord is being held by local police after confessing to the assasination attempt. McCord is rumored to have angled for a return to The Masters television broadcast team, and viewed the elimination of the Ulsterman as his best route to the tower.

In a related story, The Masters has applied for an international exemption from possessive apostrophes. More information will be made available as soon as it is invented.

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