Mystery Solved: Why Vijay Singh Is Angry With British Golfers

It did not become clear to me until I opened the cover of a golf magazine this month and saw Luke Donald in a clothing advertisement. In all his sexy wimpiness, Donald is attired in trendy and oversized sunglasses, wearing all white (to match his blond locks, no doubt) with a racing stripe down the arm. I’ve seen Paul Casey and his Fosters-can biceps in similar style p.r., and he looks damned fine.

This, then, is what has Vijay so pissed off. No one has asked the Freakin’ Fijian to be a faceboy for something so easily associated with leisure. Why would they? He is know for his tough adolescence, his early-career grind, and his addiction to the range and workout room. Ralph Lauren, Alexander Julian, and J. Lindeberg have no interest in (and little that would fit) Singh, Mr. Singh.

Well, let it be known that I am taking up Vijay’s cause. I’ve compiled a list of apparel companies that I believe would do a fine job outfitting the Islander. With enough time under the hot lights of a modeling shoot, in the pre- and post-shoot lunch rooms, and away from the gym and range, he’ll promptly metamorphose into one of those continental golfers he so abhors. On with it.

Carhartt…You’ve seen the square label. Imagine if Vijay had worn these when he crawled through the sewer (beneath the airport runway) to get from home to the local course.

Dickies…In my mind, Carhartt light. I imagine a bidding war, although it would turn easily if his name were Vicjay (Vickie’s Dickies).

Wolverine…Soft-spikes on the bottoms of these bad boys would allow Singh to give Phil Mickelson the a&$-kicking he deserved for wearing those oversized nails at Augusta.

Timberland…Saw an episode of Judge Judy or Judge Joe the other day. Plaintiff owned 30 pairs of Timberlands. Spin it the other way and have Vijay exclaim “One is all I need.” Wouldn’t do much for sales, though.

Red Kap…Vijay emerges from under a hood and says “Here’s the problem..my putting!” Credits Red Kap and goes on to abandon long putters for good.

Those five brands are the ones with enough jing in their bling to make Vijay sit down and take notice. I’ve got my people on it with his people and their people…we’ll do lunch and let you know when we know.