New Requirements for PGA Tour Membership

Not to be outdone by their female counterparts, the PGA Tour of America has issued the following requirements for membership maintenance:

1. Lawyer, not Sociology, to be the new language of the tour. The majority of PGA Tour players majored in Sociology in college. One anonymous linksman indicated “It’s easy and we don’t expect to graduate.” All future golfers hoping to play the PGA Tour of the USA in the future must demonstrate a basic level of fluency in lawyer. Both courtroom and real estate dialects will be accepted. Current members are exempted, but…

2. Australian, Welsh, Afrikaaner, Liverpudlian and Cockney dialectal infusions will be banned beginning 1 January 2009. Tim Finchem, PGA of the Lower 48 commissioner, explained “Hey, the dude from “House” is British and he sounds American, so why can’t these guys do that? It’s not like swinging a golf club is their only talent.” In an attempt to reverse the injustice done by Mel Brooks’ movie Blazing Saddles, the Irish will be accepted.

3. According to the assistant commissioner of the PGA Tour of the 48 Contiguous States, regional variations from the USA will be phased out over time. “We know that Texas, the Carolinas, Arkansas, Oklahoma and Maine have provided much auditory flavor to the color of the PGA Tour of the Former 13 Colonies over the years, but standardization is the way to go. The day will come when we will all distinguish between a pen, a pin, a pan, a pun and a pon.”