Early Winter Madness In Buffalo
The first snowfall of the year that actually stuck has arrived in western New York. The blades of grass peek through the light frosting, teasing me with their jade hue. The pale flakes ensure that no golf will be played this week in our area. Longing for the constant chartreuse of April, I turn to her opening day, the day of Fools, for this bit of early-winter madness. Note to rumor mavens: everything beyond this sentence is completely untrue.
Monty Straightens Hair For Hall Of Fame
In a bold effort to maintain relevancy in the world of international professional golf, Colin Montgomerie announced plans to update his image by straightening his hair. He does plan to ignore fitness and interpersonal relations and devote full energy to his scalp.
“I’ve wanted to do something different to this mane for years and, since my golf
game no longer speaks for itself, I’ve taken a different path in time for my entry
into the World Golf Hall of Fame. I plan to work from the bottom up, sectioning
off the layers. I’ve purchased a ceramic straightener as a metal one might sincerely
damage my locks.“
Paula Creamer Abandons Pink In Deal With Loudmouth Golf
The former childhood gymnast and USGA Women’s Open champion announced a move toward a new look in 2013 in a poorly-circulated press release.
“Let me go on record and give love to all my Pink Panther brigade. My dad was a Peter Sellers
fan and I love the Steve Martin remake of the classic Clouseau series. I’ve twenty-something
now and it’s time for a change. Loudmouth golf allows me to do that in an understated yet
attention-gathering way. My new line of apparel will include shoes of different colors, patterns
inspired by paint mixers and milkshake machines, and blinding yet subdued neon earth tones.“
Bandon Dunes Reveals Plans For Miniature Golf
Mike Keiser, the guru behind Bandon Dunes, Bandon East (Cabot Links), Bandon Way East (Barnbougle Dunes), but not Bandon South (Streamsong) but yes according to unsubstantiated rumors Bandon North (either Nunavut or Labrador) and Bandon West (Johnston Atoll) has announced that the original property along the Oregon Coast will continue its downsizing trend by adding a wee golf course.
“After we built Old MacDonald, a course with some of the widest fairways and greens,
we took a turn back and plopped down a par three course on a tract of land that borders
our third course, Bandon Trails. The response from our old guard clientele has been nothng
short of drool-inspiring. These geezers love to play their second or third round on a short
course and, hey, we love the money!
We now turn our attention to the over-90 set, the pre-baby boomers, with our mini-golf endeavor.
We have retained the ghost of Desmond Muirhead to design a mythologically-inspired putt-putt
course and hope to eventually develop a series of Bandon-To-Go tabletop pool/golf hybrids.“
The Links Trust Reveals Name Is Deceptive
The Links Trust, the body that oversees the development and maintenance of the golf courses of the town of St. Andrews, Fife, Scotland, revealed that its name is deceptive in that the word “trust” has no verifiable application to its mission.
“For years, we’ve utilized the word ‘trust’ in an effort to deceive the golfing public and the burghers.
With pending litigation, we are required by our solicitors, procurators and barristers to recognize
that we haven’t done, nor do we plan to do, anything to gain the trust of anyone in the world of golf.
Despite having the responsibility of maintaining a connection to golf’s storied past, we show little remorse
when afforded an opportunity to spice things up.
Take the current polemic over the rennovations to the Old Course. Sure, a few hoary architecture
aficionados might get their back hoes a-buzz, but hey, it makes news! It gives Hawtree a bit of work
and it gave us a way to combine golf with our favorite pub game, darts. You know, we hung MacKenzie’s
drawing of the links on a wall, raised a few double-malts and threw darts. Where they landed, we dug, raized,
filled in, nipped and tucked. Remember, we’re the guys who gave you a brand-new course on a potatoe field
next to the city sewage plant. Now that’s tradition!“
John Daly Signs Deal With Richard Simmons
In an effort to grow his Warren Buffett-inspired empire, John Daly spoke publicly for the first time about a venture with fitness guru and seventies-shorts king Richard Simmons. Daly, who is often photographed golfing shirtless and shoeless, endeavors to film a series of exercise videos on location at various chicekn wing locales and his big travel trailer
“People said guys like me can’t play golf. I proved them wrong. I won two
major championships. I wore a loud jacket to a staid photo shoot. People
said Momma Lou couldn’t put chocolate on biscuits. She proved them wrong.
People said that my guiter playing and singing wouldn’t make listeners weep.
I proved them wrong. Now people are saying that I can’t smoke, eat and sweat
my way to an exercise video that changes lives. Well, guess what? They’re wrong.“
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