If you’re a golfer and haven’t seen Ben Crane play yet, do yourself a favor – don’t. If you aren’t a golfer, do yourself a favor and watch him, either in person at a tournament or on television. It will either amuse and delight you or horrify you and and prevent you from taking up the game.

Crane, who won the US Bank Championship in Milwaukee this past weekend,
is best known for being a slow player. An excruciatingly slow player. He drove Rory Sabbatini off the deep end at the Booz Allen. Crane might as well be a 9-5 office worker, he’s put on the clock so much.

His setup is a thing to behold. You thought Sergio Garcia had a waggle? Crane takes it to a new level. I’ve seen less movement from Sherry Shake-It down at the the Crazy Horse topless bar. It’s hard to describe: it’s a series of tics and jumps and starts and stops and arcs and swoops and you name it. It makes me nervous just to watch him. “Tell me when he hits it,” I say, averting my eyes.

If you could harness the energy in Ben Crane’s setup, you could light Amsterdam for a week. It’s amazing after all he goes through, it ends up in a golf swing. I expected him to take off, like the Space Shuttle Columbia.

Golf shouldn’t cause a human to make those kind of movements. It’s like all the doubt and misery and injustice the game is responsible for is there in Ben Crane’s setup. He’s like a performance artist. I can see why Sabattini was nearly driven to despair.

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