FBR Open in Scottsdale a model for golf's rowdy future: learn the art of heckling

If golf ever seriously wants to embed itself into the sporting mainstream, it needs to learn how to cuss.

Or at least embrace good cussers, like Tiger Woods. Notice how they always bleep out Tiger’s better curses? He throws a club, it’s front page news. But, let him spew forth with a good, healthy stream of expletives, like golfers all over the world do, and you can practically hear the TV director: “Get the hell off Tiger now! Back to Vijay!”

Good cussing is integral to the future of the game, as are rowdy fans, like those who mouth off at the 16th hole at the FBR.

Heckling is what made the Big Three in this country: football, baseball and basketball. It’s an art form, practiced by creative artists. I mean, how many times can you hear “You da man!” or “Get in the hole!” at a golf tournament before you want to switch channels or throw up? Those are Tour-sanctioned quips.

You’re lucky if you go to a football, basketball and especially baseball game seated near a creative heckler. It makes the game so much more enjoyable. It’s a way of appreciating the superstars while, at the same time, acknowledging the obscene class distinctions.

It should be the same in golf, so the common man can identify.

Suggested golf heckles:

To Tiger Woods: “Hey Tiger, flummig de fjord, ya you betcha! (Swedish for: “Come back to bed, you rangy bear!”

To Vijay Singh: “Hey Vijay, I’ve seen Tonga swine hit it further!”

To Paul Casey: “Excuse me Your Lordship, are you off your game or just royally inbred?”

To Bubba Watson: “Hey Jethro, missing that putt is like kissing your sister! Oh, sorry, I forgot you’re engaged to her.”

To Michelle Wie: “Hey Nancy, the pink tees are up there!”

To John Daly: “Wanna bet?”

To Greg Norman (while holding both hands to your throat): “Hey Choke-head, is that your nose or are you eating a banana?”