Rio Secco Golf Club has introduced what it calls “one of the most compelling and unique golfer-friendly programs if all of golf.”

They’re called “T-Mates” and they’re “part caddie, part model, part host and all fun and professional.”

Question: How can you be both “fun” and “professional” at the same time? I think we know where the priority personality trait is.

They’re both male and female and trained in the art of forecaddying, like keeping score. Rio Secco has a picture of the T-Mates.

I’ve had a few caddies. They don’t look like this. They’re mostly older or middle-aged guys who have obviously enjoyed time with the bottle.

I’m not sure what they would have done if I had asked them to “create a fun and exciting environment,” like the T-Mates can.

According to a form at the Rio Secco site, it will cost you $200 for a T-Mate.

I don’t know why this idea hasn’t caught on like wildfire way before this. You’ve seen the way, rich, old golfers ogle good-looking cart girls, usually combining their ogling with stupid jokes. Golf courses are crawling with golfers like this; they’re like stray dogs, only with money.

From what I’ve seen and heard, $200 isn’t nearly enough for a T-Mate – who, after all, are “reliable,” “attractive” and have “great personalities” – to suffer through four, five or, god forbid, six hours of pawing and stupid jokes.