So I’m watching the Asian Open on TV the other day and the camera shows Colin Montgomerie getting ready to hit. Instinctively, I hit the mute button and don’t move a muscle. I don’t even breathe.

Then I realized Monty can’t hear me or see me.

Turns out, he was complaining about some spectators moving about 200 yards up the fairway. In America, if he was an umpire, we’d say he had “rabbit ears.”

Monty is climbing up my list of biggest jerks in golf. Here they are, in order.

1: Vijay Singh. Look, defend the guy if you want. Point out how he’s the hardest-working man in golf. Talk about how much he’s overcome, growing up poor in Fiji.

Fine. Great. Terrific. He’s a jerk.

He has the personality of garden compost. He’s arrogant, short-tempered, self-serving and he has a fat neck. I hate people with fat necks.

I don’t think Vijay is the brightest transistor in the radio, either, if you know what I mean.

2: Paul Casey. I don’t like the way he looks. I don’t like the way he talks. I don’t like the fact he’s living here in America. I want him out of here.

3: Montgomerie. He thinks everybody’s out to get him. If he keeps acting the way he does, he’ll be right. Monty is the fat kid who used to live in your neighborhood, and everyone teased him because he had man-breasts, and he was all telling on you and stuff. He and Phil Mickelson should be in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

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