You’d think I would know better by now, but every time I leave the country, I’m struck by the differences between American and foreign air carriers.

I took a flight on American Airlines to Miami recently. The plane was dark, dingy, cramped and dirty. It felt like being locked in a dungeon. The cranky flight attendants had dark circles under their eyes and smelled like goats. I got the feeling that if I summoned one of them, she’d bite me.

They didn’t offer any food and the beverage service, such as it was, was awful. The flight was delayed, as usual and, again as usual, no announcements were made.

When we finally took off, a huge, fat guy with a head shaped like a gut bucket sat right behind me and coughed the whole trip, never covering his mouth. It felt like he was smothering me with his fat, foul germs from about three inches away.

This has pretty much been my experience every time I’ve flown American. When I later called them and told them my luggage had been lost, they said it wasn’t their problem.

In Miami, I transferred to Cayman Airways for a flight to Grand Cayman. The plane was bright, spacious and clean. The seats were wide and soft, like lounging in your personal Barco-Lounger. I could have practiced yoga or done calisthenics. I stretched and yawned like a cat.

The flight attendants were smartly-dressed and helpful. They had Hollywood smiles and smelled like mint grown in a spring garden.

It was like going from hell to heaven, from a Warsaw ghetto to the sunny, French countryside.

Cayman Airways is small and doesn’t exactly compete with American in terms of profits, but it is vastly superior, in every way, down to the last detail.

Ever flown British Airways? Princess Diana wouldn’t have expected better service.

Every foreign airline I’ve ever flown has been exponentially superior to American carriers. American air carriers suck and are probably toxic.

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