I ain’t no Gary Player. I’m not going to throw out the specter of steroids in golf and then not back it up by withholding names.

I’ve compiled the following list of steroid-pumped golfers, after minutes of exhaustive, investigative reporting, including the use of sealed court documents, interviews, Congressional records and stuff that came to me in a dream-state.

Fred Funk: The Funk was averaging only 120 yards off the tee before he started juicing.

Tiger Woods: The rigors of living up to his reputation as the greatest golfer of all time AND a young, Swedish wife? I know he’s still young, but that takes a lot of energy and muscle.

Tim Finchem: You know he’s reluctant to test for steroids for a reason. Under that suit lurks the body of an Olympic, Norwegian swimmer.

Vijay Singh: You know, steroids make you grouchy.

John Daly: You know, steroids make you crazy.

Rory Sabbatini: You know, steroids make you say the damndest things. They also give you delusions of grandeur and increase your metabolism and make you want to play golf as fast as you can.

Bubba Watson: Actually, Bubba’s on a different kind of steroid: sugar-enhanced Mountain Dew.

Colin Montgomerie: I don’t like him so I’m going to just throw his name in here.

Phil Mickelson: Everyone knows steroids drives you to make crazy, erratic decisions.

Jim Fuyrk: I have photos of Furyk at a beach in Cancun a few years ago when he weighed 320 pounds, none of it muscle, a head-full of thick, wavy, black hair, and small, thin nose.

Mike Weir: He’s Canadian, you know.

Shingo Katayama: I need another foreigner in here.

Tom Purtzer: Averaging nearly 300 yards off the tee on the Champions Tour? Uh-uh. Got to be juicing.

Natalie Gulbis: I mean, really.

Michelle Wie: Supplied by noted drug-dealer, Nike.

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