2008 PGA Merchandise Show: The bad

ORLANDO - Bad golf inventions are usually either overly technical or laughably cheap. There are plenty of both at the PGA Show this year.

One sure-fire indication of the overly-technical is when you see guys wearing white lab coats. They’re not really scientists, they’re just playing scientists. One sure-fire way to spot the laughably cheap is when the people manning the booth are more aggressive than George Bush in the War Room.

– A company called nFlight is selling fitting software, an interactive, 3-D virtual fitting application. If that isn’t overly technical, try this: It’s algorithm-based.

Algorithms don’t belong in golf.

— Flight Scope is the world’s first 3-D tracking radar for golf. It’s a “high-accuracy, bubble-level attached to a watchmaker’s grade stainless steel disc sturdy enough to provide a quick reading of the green’s contours, yet lightweight enough to carry in your pocket during play.”

At least it’s cheap, only $14.95. You won’t feel too bad throwing that paltry sum away.

— Powerplate is a “vibration training machine.” It looks like a big scale for cows. You stand on it, crouch on it, put a knee and stretch on it. Its makers say you can achieve “full body fitness in just 15 minutes a day, three times a week.”

They’ve done this with rats in laboratories, but I don’t think it’s ever been proven for humans. It’s for fat people too lazy to work out.

Still, if you want to try it, fork over $9,250. You read that right. You can get the same workout holding on to your washing machine during the spin cycle.

— The “Pocket BC (ball cleaner)” is said by its people to be vastly superior over other, portable golf ball cleaners.

It is dampened and “fits into any pocket.” It has a thicker vinyl shell than other similar products and keeps your pockets dry. It has two cleaning surfaces. It has a magnetic closure.

Personally, I don’t need any more junk to stuff in my pocket.

One word: towel.

— Worst motto: Top Flite’s “Never lay up.” Tell that to Zach Johnson.