OK, so my prediction about how Tiger Woods would not win the Accenture Match Play championship was slightly off. It’s early in the season and besides, I have a wrist injury; my predictions may never be the same.

Nevertheless, I will forge ahead with an even bolder prediction.

Tiger Woods will not have a perfect season.

My fellow blockheaded bloggers, Bill Wolfrum and Chris Baldwin (comrades in blogging, not blockheaded-ness) are actually raising the idea of Woods having a perfect season.

This is not only completely ludicrous, it defies quantum physics, even when talking about Tiger Woods.

I’ll go even further: Tiger Woods will not win the Grand Slam. Yes, he’s the greatest golfer in the Milky Way, but his driver is too wayward to win EVERY SINGLE tournament in which he plays.

He cannot keep up this level of play. If he does, it’s proof he’s an alien, and aliens are not eligible for PGA Tour membership.

If Woods wins the grand slam, I’ll eat my hat. Wait a minute, I don’t have a hat.

If he wins the grand slam, I’ll roll in the dirt and howl at the mid-day sun. I’ll smother myself with bird droppings and eat bark. I’ll slap myself silly and sing Camp Town Races Here We Come.

No how, no way.

You heard it here first.