One of the immutable laws of man and nature is that whenever I board an airplane, a screaming baby will sit right behind me.

Not two, three or four rows behind. RIGHT behind me.

This can be maddening because you’re trapped and there is no where to go. You’re at the mercy of parenting skills, and as we all know, there are no more parenting skills in America.

As a public service, I have decided to share with you effective methods for dealing with crying babies on airplanes.

A rubber mallet works wonders. A slight tap usually does it, and doesn’t leave permanent marks or cause undue blood loss. Don’t use hammers and other sharp, blunt instruments. We’re not savages.

A cork or one of those old-fashioned bathroom plugs can work well in a pinch.

Duct tape.

Turn around in your seat, lean back and clap both hands hard over the tot’s ears. The drawback here is that on longer flights, this must be repeated multiple times. Don’t fret: It can be fun!

The above tactic can also be used effectively on the mother. Don’t try it on the father if he’s larger than you, unless he’s handicapped.

Throw baby off the plane.

Start crying and wailing at the top of your lungs. Turnabout is fair play: Show the little rodent and his pathetic excuse of a mother what it sounds like.

Airline pillow are about the same size as a baby’s face. I think you know what I mean.

Clamp an oxygen mask over the tike’s face. If confronted, tell the stewardess you were performing a safety drill.

Shoot the mother in the calf with a sling-shot.

Commit suicide.

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