Show your patriotism: Support new oil-fueled European Tour

It’s only a matter of time before all of our American golf stars defect to the European Tour.

The European Tour has just come out with its new look, a look that will take place in two dozen countries on five continents, culminating with the grand lalapalooza, the $20 million Dubai World Championships.

How can they do this, you’re asking? Isn’t Europe just as caught up in the global economic chaos as us?

Well, here’s a clue: In Arabic, the word Dubai means “we will crush you because we’re swimming in oil.”

So the European Tour has dropped its Order of Merit – which sounded so “European” – and replaced it with a name more suited to our times: “The Race to Dubai.”

Now, you might think that encouraging our players to defect to the European Tour could be considered unpatriotic.

Not so. PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem is a savvy businessman and can see which way the wind is blowing.

It’s all about oil now. More and more American corporations will go bankrupt. Same with our government, not to mention you and I. The oil industry is our savior.

I spoke with several tour officials, who preferred to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to speak on the subject and also because they hung up before I could get their names. They confirmed that the PGA Tour, in order to keep up with the Euros, has a similar plan.

It’s called the “Race to ANWR,” better known as the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

It will make the $20 million Dubai World Championship seem puny.

Sarah Palin will hit the first, ceremonial tee shot. Behind her will be arrayed an army of mighty machinery, ready to drill as soon as Sarah America gives them the word.

So get ready to be the first on your block to buy the “Drill, Baby, Drill” t-shirt and support our oil companies.

Otherwise, you’re looking at solar panels, windmills and corn in your gas tank and we all might as well just up and move to Sweden.