Why again are Canada geese federally protected?

Aren’t Canada geese just lovely? The way they fly through the air in a V formation. The way the parade their goslings in a row from wherever they are to wherever they’re going. Their gray, black and white markings with the distinctive chinstrap. Their angry hissing and flapping of wings and biting people. Their man-sized scat. Charming.

Also, non-migratory, I say. I understand they are federally protected because they are supposed to go south in the winter. Well, I don’t know where you live, but in Ohio, the damn birds are on nearly every golf course, honking at players and crapping small Volkswagens on the greens. When they nest, those goslings always will consider their birthplace home and come back to nest when they’re adults.

Well, if these birds aren’t going to fly south, let’s take away their protected status. Why should golf course superintendents have to pay $3,000 for a border collie to shoo them away? I guarantee if you kill a couple of them, they’ll find another place to live. By the way, you know why labs and golden retrievers don’t get the job? Because the geese will swarm the dog in the water and drown him/her with their great flappy feet. Border collies apparently are smarter than to get cornered like this.

I’ve seen golf courses do all sorts of things to keep Canada geese away, including putting mylar strips around ponds (nothing quite as attractive as reflective flaps of plastic everywhere), fishing line grids across the tops of ponds, fake alligators (I really don’t get this one - why would a bird be afraid of something it’s never seen?) and even purchasing a license from the state to shake up the eggs once they’re laid so they won’t hatch and the parents won’t come back.

This fall goose season, we could let hunters cull the ever expanding goose herd and everyone would have a better golfing summer in 2008.