New Year list: More silence, fewer corporate weasels

Hey, I don't ask for much. But, when I watch golf on television, there are a few things I wish for, and since this is a brand new year (has the golf season ended yet?) here is my wish list for 2006.

But, first let me say this. True, I have a lot of complaints, but I have to say golf is one of the few sports that's better viewed on TV. Anyone who has ever been a spectator at a golf tournament would, at the least, partially agree. Why else are there so many golf writers glued to the TV set at tournaments? That's why television is so important to the game.

• I wish golf commentators would stop saying "oh, that's a perfect golf shot." If it's "perfect," moron, it would be in the hole.

• I wish they would stop sponsor interviews. I know I keep repeating this, but they are the bane of the broadcast. Blow-dried corporate weasels telling us how proud they are to bring us the tournament and what a spectacular tournament it was and what wonderful, stupendous volunteers we have.

• I wish the PGA Tour would stop crowing about how much money it gives to charity. We all know it's a tax write-off.

• I wish commentators would stop acting crushed when someone else besides Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Ernie Els or Vijay Singh wins a tournament. I happen to like it when someone comes out of the blue to beat the big boys.

• I wish they could find an American as funny as David Feherty. "Worst haircut I've ever seen in my life," Feherty said of John Daly getting his ears lowered. "And I've had a few bad ones. It looks like he has a divot over each ear."

• How about Rick Reilly? American golf could use a touch of irreverence. Why does irreverence have to come from the British?

• I wish Nick Faldo the best of luck in his broadcasting career. This guy's got the potential to be really good.

• I wish Paul Azinger wouldn't force his humor. He also has the potential to be great.

• I wish Johnny Miller's detractors would shut up. They're the same people who love the sponsor interviews.

• I also wish Jack Whitaker would put a sock in it. He'd try to make a bowel movement sound profound.

• I wish NBC would get rid of Jimmy Roberts and his puff pieces.

• I wish they would pair Jason Gore and Daly more often. Hey, they do sponsor exemptions, why not sponsor pairings?

• I wish they would get pull-carts for the caddies.

• I wish Judy Rankin would say something interesting. Once.

• I wish Peter Allis had contracts with all the networks. He says things like: "One good thing about rain in Scotland: most of it ends up as Scotch." And, "He used to be fairly indecisive. Now he's not so certain."

• I wish they'd let Gary McCord back at the Masters. Then he could embarrass the old goats with more cracks like his infamous bikini wax and body bags comments.

• I wish more golfers were as honest as Curtis Stange, who said "I don't think television work has screwed up my golf. I've pretty much taken care of that on my own."

• I wish ABC would just go ahead and show Big John taking a big drag off that Marlboro. Then show his subsequent coughing fit.

• I wish we could get another Arnold Palmer. Yes, we have Tiger Woods, but El Tigre usually takes the field by the throat and chokes the life out of it. I miss dramatic comebacks.

• In general, I wish golf announcers would shut up more and let the game speak for itself. Some of them are starting to sound like Mexican soccer announcers.

• I wish Golf Digest would scale back all its tips. None of them has ever worked for me.

• I wish we could have more dramatic moments like Woods' incredible chip-in at the 16th hole at the Masters - but without the Nike swoosh. I wish Tiger had been playing X-outs he bought in bulk from Wal-Mart that day.

• I wish Peter Allis had called that chip-in from 30 feet for birdie I had today. No, maybe Jack Whitaker would be better.

Any opinions expressed above are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of the management.